Worthy

All my life I have been made to be someone I’m not to make others happy. In doing that I have been miserable. You become a zombie in doing what others want you to do. You lose your self-worth and being in life. It’s hard to escape from. Gaining strength to get out. Believing in yourself that you are worthy when you have been made to feel your not.

The escape is well worth it, gaining your life back. But it doesn’t come without its hard times, learning who I am, doing things on my own. Not being told how to do things. But wouldn’t change it for the world. To be me is the best.

Pain

It all started 10 years ago while I was at work, it was a last minute fill in that changed my life forever. I worked as a personal care worker in peoples homes, and this day I went to pick up a client. As she went to get into my car she fell backwards on to me, my left arm was stuck under as she fell to the floor. At first all I cared about was her well fair. She got up, and I got her to her appointment, And she was checked at her appointment.

After I settled the pain was excruciating, I knew I need help. So off to the doctor I went. I went and had scans done. My shoulder and elbow were hurt. I couldn’t use the left arm as the pain was excruciating, so I was using my right arm. Using my right arm so much, I overused it and that was hurt too.

I didn’t have an understanding employer at the time, she bullied me, she use to tell everyone my health problems out loud in front of the whole office. She use to yell at me and belittle me in front of people. I became very depressed by this.

I could no longer work in the field of work I worked in. As time has gone on I have got worse physically and mentally. I am fighting to get better, I know I will never be the same physically or mentally, but I know there’s so much more to life. I always my children to get a job they will be happy with rather than a job they just do because you never know when it can be cut short. I didn’t get to do what I wanted and never will. I struggle every day with that I don’t want them to go through what I have it’s important to be happy in life.

Alone

All my life I have struggled to fit into my family. I felt like I have had to be someone I’m not to make my parents happy. I felt like I could never do right. I always felt alone, and not wanted.

When I was a teen I wasn’t wanted by them and told to leave at 16. After a few years of living away from home I forte for the next 20 years for them to love me. “Over time that’s really what you pine for and that’s love.”

I realized over time it just wouldn’t happen. You can’t make people want to do something they don’t want to do. I had to except that I wouldn’t be who they wanted me to be. To be me I had to give them up as they did me.

Being a mum myself I don’t understand how parents can be like that to their own children, all they need is love and support. Not judgement and criticism. All need is to be excepted for who they are no matter what.

People don’t realize what this does to a child. I struggle now due to this. The people who brought me into this world are the ones who should have loved me and protected me, they are the ones you are supposed to trust, but they are the ones who hurt me the most.

Being supportive and loving to children is the most important in growth.

The Dreaded Day

Today is a day I dread, but I know I need and that’s therapy. I dread this day as I have to relive past events I don’t want to remember, but in the need to understand and move forward in my life. I need to go.

I need to overcome past events. But doing this meaning mentally and emotionally it drains me and takes the next day or two of down days, but I know this is what I need because I have learnt to gain strength and understanding from my past to move forward and make the choices I have .

For so many years I have suffered in silence, but that lead me nowhere but in the biggest hole of my life, I knew I had to get help, but that hasn’t been easy to find. I have been through five different therapists before I found one I could work with, but even then it took me 3 months to open up, but they have been the most patient and understanding which has made it most helpful.

There are good therapists out there. Follow your gut, if you don’t like one move to the next. You need to find one you feel right with. It makes healing easier. Don’t suffer in silence.

Blank

I sit here thinking about what to write and nothing comes to mind. I think about my morning, did I wake up OK, did I do anything, and wonder why I feel so blank. Then I think it’s just one of them day’s when you don’t have a thought process, no feeling, low mood. These days just drain you mentally. Sometimes I know why I have these days, but sometimes I don’t.

Unfortunately, these are parts of mental illness. We have our highs and we have our lows, sometimes we can explain them, and sometimes we can’t. These days can bring our emotions to our lowest point because we have no control over our thoughts or feelings at this time.

Seeking Help / Support

When I talk about seeking help/support this is a hard subject to talk about as it is one that is hard to receive. People always say “You need help” or “You need to talk to someone”. This is all well and good for someone on the outside to say, but it’s not that easy to do.

Firstly you have to acknowledge you need help. Secondly, you need support from people, not negativity. and Thirdly finding good help is the hardest thing to do. They say there is a lot of support and help out there, but when you need it, it doesn’t seem to be there.

I have been to many Psychologist over the years, some very unhelpful, judgement and very critical people. That makes you lose trust and faith in people. They are supposed to be there for you to help/support you at your lowest, and yet they seem to judge you. I have seen some who tell me to stop living in the past, I had some tell me to get over it, seriously do they think I like having PTSD, depression and social anxiety. My past is the reason I have what I have, you can’t just get over it, I wish I could, but it doesn’t work like that.

There really needs to be better supports out there, a better understanding of what we go through. Better training not just for a therapist, but doctors, family, friends, employers. Making environments less stressful for people is a start.

What do you feel would make it easier for people with Mental Illness? How could you help others understand more? What training do you think could be put in place to help the changes?

I am Me

Over my life I have developed into who I am due to the unfortunate advents that took place through out it. It’s made me more aware of my surroundings, who I have in my life, and who I am as person. It hasn’t been easy to make the choices I have, but having to make the choices I have, have helped me heal and move forward in my life.

Living with mental illness is not easy, there are lot’s of struggles we fight against every day, but over time we find mechanisms that help us cope day to day. One of my biggest things is having someone with me when I have to go out, as I don’t cope on my own. As I’m scared of the unknown and also scared of people, but find it easier when I have someone with me.

Over time I have learnt to except me for who I am and what I have. I can’t change what happened to me or fix it. I just keep one foot in front of another.

World comes crashing in.

When you feel like your world comes crashing in. That’s what happened to me when I had to pop into the shop yesterday. There was a domestic dispute between a woman and a man. As soon as I heard the yelling, that was it, I turn into ball of mess inside, the shaking started, I felt like I had to run, and that’s exactly what I did, straight out the door and to the car, with my heart pounding one hundred times an hour, the memories that came flooding back were incredible. These are why these tasks are so hard to do. when you have moments like this happen.

My Story (Part 3)

While working one day and got hurt, which has not allowed me to go back to work, due to the injuries I obtained.

While I have been injured I have also been diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension, Genetic caused of Migraines, Osteoarthritis in my spine, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression and Social Anxiety. So life hasn’t been easy, not just for me, but my family watching me sick. But I try my best to keep a smile on my face at least for my kids.

Even after all I have been through I have found a husband, that see me for me and not what I have and that looks after me and my kids, I have the best children anyone could ask for. And one friend that has been there for over 30 years.

Even though I don’t talk to my parents or my siblings, Or have any other family around, I also don’t have friends or even like to socialize, purely because of my life, I am happy with my husband and my children and they are all I need. I don’t feel pressured to be someone I’m not or have to explain why I can’t do things. My family understand me and that’s all I need.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want people to judge me. I am telling my story to let others know, I do understand what it feels like, I do know how it feels to be in the biggest hole and feel like there is no way out. But I’m here and I have all I need. They are why I live.

My Story (Part 2)

I was 16 living out of home hanging out with older guys, drinking, smoking. and partying. Hated who I was, I was self harming by burning and scratching myself till i had no skin.

I then dated this guy who forced me to have sex with him when he wanted it, I use to have to eat alone in the room when his friends were around. I had no self worth anymore, I use to feel sick when he finished doing what he did, then I waited for him to go to sleep, so I could go in the shower and just wash all the pain away. This went on for 3 yrs. Till he had an arranged married which got me away from him.

Then his friend took me away to, Well what he said to have a break for the weekend, which turned into a nightmare. He was just like the rest of the men I met in my life. He tied me up and raped me multiple times over a 24 hour period until my body couldn’t take it anymore and just kept bleeding and he let me go only so I could wash up, which is when I locked myself in the toilet, so he couldn’t hurt me anymore.

Then I met my first husband our relationship was like a well wind, we met, I got pregnant, moved in together and we got married all in a year and a half, then it all went down hill. He was physically, mentally, and financially abusive towards both me and our daughter. This was one of the hardest to escape, because I had a child to look out for. I finally got the courage to end our married and stop him from coming back into our lives 8 years later. It was one of the hardest things to do, the fear of how he was going to react, what he was going to do to me for leaving him. It’s a scary process.