Letting Go……

The hardest decision I had to make was letting go of my parents. This was a decision that didn’t come easy, it came from a long and tiring battle, A battle, in the end, I knew I would never win.

Here’s my story:

As a child I grew up always fighting for the attention of my parents, especially my mother, I remember her sitting on the recliner with the dog on her lap. I would always want to sit on her lap, but the dog would have first preference, so I would have to kneel on the floor next to her chair. Well, that would turn out for the worse as the dog would then attack me and she would just laugh, (who does that to a child) so then I would leave. (anyone would if they were bitten by a dog).

My brother and I use to get into arguments as siblings do, but it would turn violent with him always hitting me, of course to my mother it was my fault I shouldn’t have got him angry. He could never do wrong in her eyes. I remember laying on the floor after being hit so hard in the back I couldn’t get up and her saying I deserved it. No help, no nothing.

As I got to my adulthood work became first preference, whenever I needed her she would say sorry got to go to work. One occasion I was going into surgery and she couldn’t take time off work when she knew how much I wanted her there, she also didn’t ring day of surgery or after to see how I went.

There are so many more stories I could tell you, but I would be here forever, I chose at the end of the day to let go as I was fighting a no-win battle, I watched her do the same things to my children as she did me. The one person in your life who you are supposed to trust and is meant to teach you love didn’t do that for me, I only do what I believe is right for my children, I have the closest bond with my children and without them, I wouldn’t be where in am today.

I will never understand why I wasn’t loved by my own parents, but I am loved by my own children and that’s the best thing I could have ever asked for. If you are loved by your parents cherish every moment because you are very lucky. I don’t see myself as unlucky, as I have all the love I have ever needed in my beautiful children and I cherish that.

Social Anxiety for Me

I wanted to give you an insight into my life with living with Social Anxiety. Having this has made me an introvert. It’s a very lonely world to live in. It’s not that I don’t like people it’s I fear them. The thought of having to talk to a stranger is scary, it’s almost impossible to do without having a freakout. I try to avoid new situations at all costs, but if it’s impossible to avoid a freak out for me would consist of me:

Having full body shakes, Biting the inside of my mouth, Sweating palms, Stuttering, Not being able to talk a full sentence properly, Not sleeping the night before, Get agitated, Feeling sick, Heart rate racing, Face feeling hot.

Having a freak out can be sometimes scary this is why I try to avoid situations. I have worked many years to try to overcome my Social Anxiety, it is one that is very hard to accomplish, but I have learnt to have one of my family members with me when I get into an avoidable situation which helps lessen the freakouts.

Social Anxiety is one of my hardest Mental health illnesses to deal with as it’s so lonely and hard to express.

I’m Just Like You

I would love to sit here and write how there are ways to fix the way you feel, and how to stop all the thoughts you get. I would love to tell you there’s a magic pill to take all this away. The reality is it’s not easy, there is no magic pill. It’s hard, it’s stressful. It takes you on a roller coast of emotions.

I can’t sit here and tell you I’m perfect in any way and that I’m healed because I’m far from that. I have my bad days just like anyone else. I struggle just like anyone else. I have triggers that set me off. I wish there was a magic pill out there that would rid us of all the pain and sorrow, but I know there isn’t.

I don’t want to be a preacher to all because I know myself how hard living with MH is. I write to show I’m just like everyone else, I have my own struggles, I beat my own demons. I write to help others understand our illness in its raw form. I share my experiences and how I got to where I am today.

Love You

I grew up all my life not feeling loved, in a way I feel that’s what lead me into the hands of the wrong people pining for love I sought. People in situations like this are sometimes taken advantage of. This is what happened to me. I put my trust in people and was hurt.

Trying to find what you believe you need can’t be found in others only yourself, I learnt this the hard way. You can’t make someone love you and that’s OK. Believe in yourself you are stronger than you know.

I think back now and realize that if I didn’t go through what I did I wouldn’t be who I am today. I have taught my children to be the strong independent girls/(one is almost a woman) they are today. To follow their dreams and be happy in all they do.

I don’t wish MH on anyone as it’s a struggle every day, but in my heart this is the reason I am who I am today even with it’s bad days.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

For many years I suffered in silence not knowing what was wrong with me, not knowing why I couldn’t control my feelings. I didn’t know who to go to or who to talk too. Drugs, Alcohol and Self-harm became a big part of my life to cope, but it didn’t help it just suppressed the feelings I had.

I suffered for a long time in silence as a teenager, then at the age of 21 in a marriage that was filled with violence. At this time I had a daughter when I lived in this horrible situation, I didn’t know how to break from this situation for about 8 years in total.

I lost so much in my life including family and friends. Suffering in silence was breaking me, I needed to reach out for help, I first went to my Doctor and asked what was wrong with me, I was accessed and diagnosed, I was placed on medication, and sent to a therapist. Then started a process of fighting my way out without suffering on my own.

I was placed in the right direction to get out of my marriage safely.
This was the hardest situation to get out of, I had no help from family or friends. I had to put trust in the team helping me. I’m so glad I reached out for help as I don’t know where I would be today. It gave me the strength I needed to protect not only myself but my daughter.

Never suffer in silence there are many people and places out there willing to help all you need to do is ask it’s worth it in the end.

Deep Hole

I wanted to talk to you about the dark side of MH when I say dark side I talk about the deep dark hole and what we do to cope. This is the place where u feel like you are at your wit’s end, you feel like a failure, you feel like you are not good enough, you feel like your not worthy of living.

To cope with these feelings I use to use self-harm, drugs or alcohol. These were my lowest points. My deep dark hole was the hardest and scariest place. I never knew if I would get to the next day and honestly didn’t care. It’s the worse place to be, you have no control of your feelings.

I lost a lot of people in my life, I got into the wrong crowds, I tried to attempt suicide by throwing myself in front of a truck while drugged up, but I was lucky my friends chased me and grabbed me off the road in time.

It took many years to get out of my hole, but not without the scars I carry, but they are the reason I am why I’m still here now. I no longer do drugs or drink alcohol as a means of coping, but without them, I don’t think I would be here now. I don’t recommend it as a means, due to it not getting rid of my issues.

I know how hard this hole is and no means easy to get out of. I still go to therapy, I still have bad days, I still take medication to help me cope, but I know there is more to life, and I deserve to be happy and so does everyone. Supporting each other will get us through it.

It’s All In Your Head (Of Course)

So I wanted to talk to you about the frustrations I have with Doctors and Specialist that excuse all sicknesses for your MH or anxiety. I feel like they use my MH and anxiety for me not being well when they can’t find a reason.

As I sit here to explain my experiences with this I can’t tell you how many times I have been told by them “it’s all in my head”. or “it’s your anxiety causing it”. This becomes very frustrating. It’s not a choice to have PTSD and anxiety. Do they believe we can’t feel or know when something isn’t right within ourselves?

It took me 3 years of fighting with Doctors over my migraines, they continued to tell me “it’s in my head”. Till one day I found a Doctor who finally listened and worked out I have Intracranial Hypertension and Genetical caused Migraines, but without believing in what I knew wasn’t right I don’t know what would have happened, as the pressure was built up so much it was visible in my eyes when it was finally found.

I wish Doctors and Specialist would stop using our MH as an excuse for our sicknesses when they don’t have an answer. We struggle enough without them putting the blame on us. One day it may be a fatal mistake for them for not listening to our medical needs.

Suicide

I have been sitting here thinking about how to tackle this very hard and complex subject without upsetting peoples feelings. I have been subjected to this from a very young age and it has never been forgotten. The subject I’m talking about is Suicide. I know how touchy and complex of a subject this is, but it’s been something that needs help with.

I first heard of this when I was only a child after someone who my mum worked with’ daughter took her own life. It was devastating, she left four beautiful children that day. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I still remember helping her mum after with the babies to give her a break, I was only a baby myself, but I knew they need all the help they could get. It was so hard without her here.

Again Just recently I lost another person very close he was like a brother to me, I knew how much he struggled with MH, but I only hoped it would never happen.

In both cases, MH played a part in the loss of two beautiful people, which are missed dearly. In the case of the last one he did ask for help, but they failed him when he needed them the most. I think that’s where it goes wrong and where it needs to change.

People in a vulnerable position and despite for help need to be heard not turned away or reported, it does them no favours. Just a simple ear is what they need. We aren’t contagious, we aren’t murders, we just simply have a disease that sometimes gets on top of us, but if we have the support we can get through.

We lose too many beautiful and loving people to Suicide every day and I think it’s sad. I understand why they want to go, but they are needed, as much as they think we will be better off. The pain after they are gone is forever painful. I believe that support is so important in their survival.

Pushing Through

Today I didn’t think I was going to get my blog done as I have the worse migraine, and my body is a lot of pain. When I suffer like this my MH gets on top of me, but I’m trying to push through it today. I have been to the Physiotherapist this morning to try and help with the pain. It has calmed it down somewhat. Anything is better than nothing, as medication is not something I can take due to, liver and other organ damage.

When you have high intensity of pain your MH becomes high intensity. It is really hard to juggle Chronic Pain and MH as the more stressed or anxious you get the more intense the pain gets. It becomes a vicious cycle one that I have been fighting for a long time and will fight for a long time to come.

Cliché

Today I sit here to write my blog and my mind boggles me. I sit and consider what’s best to write. There are so many things that cross my mind, but what do I tell you. I don’t want to be one of them writers that tell you all the same things like, “Keep positive, you will get there”, “I will be there for you when you need me”, but when you need them their not there. or “Tomorrow is another day”.

I as someone who suffers from MH I cannot tell you, how hard it is sometimes to keep positive or to even think about tomorrow. Some days I have woken up not knowing if I would even make it to the next day. I have forte my demons for many years and still fight the demons.

Over time I have learnt to gain better control of these demons, but It’s taken years of battling them to get me where I am now. It’s no means an easy battle. It cripples you in a debilitating way. You feel like there is no way to fight your way out, but into a deep dark hole. It is one scary, lonely place. One that you don’t wish your worse enemy into.

Without the medication and help I received I don’t know where I would be now. Excepting valuable help is important in our survival.