When you suffer for Mental Illness and Chronic Pain you know that the littlest milestones mean so much. It can be as small as getting up, to brushing your hair, or taking a shower. But the biggest milestone for us all is making it through each and every day.
Every day we get through is another day accomplished. We need to be proud of ourselves for this. Every feat is another day won.
I write This Blog every day to let people in on my experiences with Mental Illnesses. This has been a huge challenge for me to do as I’m a very private person. I also fear peoples thoughts about me, but I chose to do this after losing a special person in my life. They didn’t get the help they deserved and lost their lives. So I decided to dedicate my life to sharing the daily struggles living with Mental Illness in the hope of helping others understand what we endure on a daily bases, so more supports can be put in place to help us when required.
We don’t ask for this, we don’t deserve to be judge, just understood. Opening my life for the world is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but having people understand Mental Illnesses means so much more. It’s a cruel disease and needs more recognition and support.
Motivation is one of the hardest things to have when you suffer from mental illness. Getting the motivation to do the littlest task can be non-existent. As a sufferer of Mental Illness having low motivation can start from me being stressed or having a bad nights sleep.
A bad nights sleep can consist of waking up multiple times a night, having bad dreams, or being woken up. Not having a good sleep, lowers my mood. Which then lowers my motivation.
Motivation is important in fighting to get through to the next day. Low motivation gets me frustrated, as it can take me a few days to overcome because I fail to achieve anything. It can become a vicious cycle. When all you want is to get better.
Today is my struggle day after a day at the physiotherapist, these days are the hardest to get through. The pain becomes unbearable. Retraining my body to work again is the hardest most excruciating pain, but one I’m fighting to beat. It’s controlled my life for so long, and one I need to fight back.
Living with Chronic pain is difficult to live with as people don’t understand how it feels. The pain takes control of you. For me, human contact is unbearable as my body is hypo-sensitive to touch, this has not been easy as I have children, and I miss just cuddling them without pain.
For so long many doctors have just push drugs into me instead of listening to me. Chronic pain is such a thing and needs attention, not just medication. Now due to doctors not listening the medication has affected my organs, which now has made for more medical issues. Also effects my mental health as medication can’t be taken for pain or infections due to my organs.
Understanding chronic pain is so important as it is a medical issue and needs to be addressed. We do need help and understanding help. Not just doctors giving us drugs and sent away.
Today I wanted to share an insight into a day that can go wrong for me. It starts off really good, by getting up happy, after a good sleep. Getting in the shower, getting dressed. Then I will be late and my battle for an appointment then it will start from there.
I get frustrated with myself, well when I’m frustrated my ears ring very loud, this is due to having tinnitus, Then my head starts hurting, but I have to go shopping , but going into the shops the noise gets overpowering. My anxiety kicks in, but I know I have to push myself to get some food, but then I know I’m getting more frustrated about being there. This is when I can’t think anymore, then I just get out of there.
When I finally get home I’m so frustrated with myself, I can’t handle anyone talking to me. I hate myself for not getting what needed to be done. And I have ended the day with a massive migraine, my ears won’t stop ringing. I’m feeling sick. Now I have thrown myself in bed because I can’t handle it anymore.
The next day after having a day go wrong I feel down and can’t get myself to do anything. Sometimes it can take me one to two days to get over a bad day. It’s due to being frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to accomplish what was needed. This is just the way of my mind works.
Living with Mental Illnesses are hard and very lonely. Some people don’t understand how drained you feel when your head goes one hundred times a day thinking about so much at once. People don’t understand how hard it is to battle the demons that lie within. How tiring it is to battle them every day. How lonely it is to not have people understand your thought process. How hard it is to sleep of the night, and why you’re so tired in the morning.
Mental Illness is a battle no one wants or asks for. we don’t ask for judgement, just support. We battle our own Demons daily, we don’t need to battle for help or understanding. Just awareness.
Over my life, people have looked at me and just assumed I am what they say snobby. Instead of talking to me and getting to know me they just judge me. I am shy when you meet me, but that’s because I suffer from social anxiety. I struggle to talk to people, so I shy away. I don’t use eye contact, I always look at the floor, because I’m scared people will talk to me.
Living with social anxiety is difficult, you shy away from people. Contact to the outside is very difficult. Going out is difficult as I struggle with my mind, thinking that people are going to talk to me, everyone is looking at me and talking about me. and how am I going to deal with my mind. I can’t go anywhere by myself as I will just run and go home.
I didn’t choose to have this, this happened due to all the trauma I endured by people in my life. It’s not that I dislike people it’s just hard for me to trust people. This is why I write my Blogs to share my life and daily struggles. I hope, it helps others understand they are not alone, and help others to understand how people feel with different mental illnesses.
Last night I was fast asleep, then something woke me. All of a sudden I had a whole lot of things come to my head, that was it my anxiety kicked in, the moment your heart starts pounding, freaking out because so much is going on and you don’t know how to stop it. My ears are ringing so loud it’s making me feel angry. My head feels like it’s about to explode. I can’t breathe.
Now I have to stop it before it devours me, breathe girl breathe. turn the music on stop the ringing. relax you will be OK. Distract yourself, you can do this. Four hours later I finally drifted back to sleep, but I got through it.
Today is not the best, but I know it’s only due to being tired that I feel this way. The power of the mind is so powerful, controlling it is the hardest.
I sit here and think about what I have lost in my life, the friends, the family, and think about how I stayed strong enough to get through all the loss. Some have passed, some have left, and some I have needed to leave.
Losing people has been hard to overcome, but the ones you choose to leave are easier to overcome. Even though for me these have been family, the ones that are supposed to be there, I have found these easier to let go of.
My choices haven’t been easy, it’s taken me a long time to consider if I was doing the right thing for me. When you suffer from mental illness you need to consider what’s right and wrong to heal. Having people drag you down and make you feel even worse about yourself is not what you need. So making the decisions I did was to make me happy, and help me heal.