I’m so Grateful

In my last blog, I wrote about how I lost my dream job due to an accident at work, which I have now come to terms with, but I wanted to write about a followers kind comment to that blog that reminded me and what I should have written in that blog about.

The follower reminded me that “I’m writing and that’s important.” and I’m so glad they wrote this Thank you to this follower. I have debated on what to do with my life for 9 years now. I can never return to work due to my health, and I was getting frustrated with myself. I didn’t want to sit around doing nothing, I have tried many things, but my health gets in the way.

I had been thinking of writing a blog for the last 3 years, but I was fighting with my own demons (I still do, but I’m learning to fight them back). I was in one of my darkest moments then, our family had just lost someone to Domestic Violence which sent me into the biggest spiral of my life. I didn’t Know if I was going to get through it, but I’m here.

Then only last year I lost someone who was like my brother, he has been a part of my life since I was 6 to suicide, that guttered me. After this was when I decided to write, I wanted to let people in on life. I had been through so much in my life, I had so much going on, I couldn’t go back to work, and I wanted to let people know they’re not alone.

I am so grateful to be able to write, I never thought I would be here doing this, but so glad I am. If I can just make one person’s day then I have done my job and that’s all that matters.

Hope you enjoyed.

When My Dreams Crashed

All my life I never knew what I wanted to do, till one day I decided I loved doing medicine and loved doing security (yes security). I wanted to combine both fields together, I loved the thrill of security and loved medicine, so I decided to become a Paramedic.

Finally, after 29 years I decided my career, I signed for uni to start in January 2010 and in October of 2009 I got hurt at work. My life changed forever. All my dreams disappeared. It’s taken me until the last year to come to terms that I will never be in my dream job.

I still sometimes cry if I think about it, but I try not too. Everyone has just told me “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “You will find something”. It’s easy to say that, but when your dreams are crushed it’s hard to comprehend. It took me all my life to work out where I wanted to be and in one foul swoop it was all taken away.

It took me along time to decide my career as I was always told what to do. I was always told to work, that I didn’t get a chance to do as i pleased. I studied while I worked and was also a mum.

I now teach my children to do what they dream because you never know when your life can be turned upside down. I don’t want them to have to miss out on their happiness and their dreams. Always do what makes you happy not what makes others happy.

To You.

We all have the Strength to get through this,

We are all Strong,

We are all Remarkable people,

And your life is Precious,

It’s OK to have bad days,

It’s Normal,

We deserve Love,

And we deserve to be Heard.

*Remember to tell yourself every day that “You Can Do This” and be “Proud” of every little milestone you make.

Insight To My Pain.

Today I thought I would let you in on my life with pain. This is one thing I struggle with daily. My pain started from an accident that happened while working, from there it has gathered it’s strength.

I suffer from Chronic Pain, I also suffer from Arthritis in my knees and spine, Degenerative disease in my hips, shoulders and neck. Intracranial Hypertension, Genetically caused Migraines, and Tinnitus (ringing of the ears), to name a few.

I take medication to keep the migraines at a down low, and the pressure down from the hypertension. I am unable to take pain medication now due to liver inflammation, which is making my pain even harder to deal with. I see a physiotherapist which helps, but that’s only while I’m there. Ice is my only comfort.

Living in pain is extremely difficult as it has made my body hypersensitive to many things such as touch, so hugging is excruciating to do. Having a shower is unbearable as having water touch my skin is like having hundreds of needles piercing your skin all at once, the pain from being in the shower too long can make me almost pass out. Even down to brushing my hair as it is unbearable as my head and even my hair is sensitive.

Sound is hard to deal with as it intensifies my migraines, and makes the tinnitus louder, it can also make it feel like I’m deaf as it is impossible for me to hear things. Sleeping is also a challenge as it’s hard to get comfortable, so I don’t have a full nights sleep.

Living with the pain is not easy, but I have many people helping me try to stabilize the pain and make it more comfortable for me to cope. I will be comfortable one day with perseverance.

Getting Health Care Providers Trained

When I sit here and think about the body image blog I wrote, it makes me think about how important it is not only for people to think before they say, but also for medical professionals. Over and over again I see in tweets people making remarks to medical professions not thinking before they speak. I have also experienced this myself.

I have also worked with Mental Health patience’s and heard first hand, the cruel and mean things people can say to them. This should never be the case. I have worked with people with Mental Health conditions and trained in, dealing with them, learnt how not to trigger them. I also took the time to learn about the patient (their medical conditions) before seeing them, so I didn’t make them feel uncomfortable.

I think training Mental Health courses should be compulsory if you work in the Health Care Industry (eg: RN, EN, Paramedic, Personal Care Workers, Doctors). It would help Mental Health suffers receive the correct help and care. It would help suffers feel more comfortable seeing a medical professional if they didn’t get judged. Hopefully, it would make suffers be more open to talking with their GP’s if they understood more.

I hope one-day Mental Health is understood by all, so all suffers don’t have to feel like we do. And no more lives lost. xxx

Body Image

I thought I would write about one thing that is close to my heart and one subject that does cause a lot of issues for many people. It can go in very different ways. This is the way it has taken me.

The subject I talk about is body image the reason I decided to talk about this is it is so important to be aware of what you say to people about their bodies because it can impact their mental status.

I grew up with a mother that criticized me about my weight, so she would always have me on diets. This happened from the age of 12. These diets would consist of only eating watermelon for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 2 weeks, and a rock melon one. No healthy diets that would make me lose weight. Mind you I don’t even think I was that big (I was a size 10 aus).

I was always told I had Dolly Parton boobs (great thanks mum) from the age of 14. The impact of the put down had me wanting to hide. I hated my self and the way I looked. When you hear how fat you are and you need to lose weight a million times you eventually can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror.

One memory that will stay in my mind forever will be being intimate with someone and when it was over he told me to “get dressed fat fuck” because “I make him feel sick”. That devastated me I have never been able to feel comfortable in my own skin since that was 20 years ago. You never forget.

Things like these are why I ended up with my PTSD. Why I have body image issues. People need to understand the lasting effects on people when you make comments. Think about how you would feel if it was you.

Can You Protect Too Much?

When I was 21 I got married for the first time this marriage was violent which I have gone through in a previous blog, but I wanted to share how being in a relationship like this has made me be to my children after being in a marriage like that.

What I mean by that is, I am so much more protective over my children, I find it difficult to stand by and let people hurt them. This then plays havoc on my mental health.

After going through this marriage it made me struggle to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t protect my child from the violence her father inflicted on her. Something I will forever live with, but I protect my children from people who inflict pain or hurt now.

It opens your eyes to what’s important, but the guilt you carry is incredible. I know that we make choices in our lives that lead us to either a good or bad path and we have to live them life choices. As I have heard many times we make the choice at the time believing it was the right choice at the time, but you do carry the guilt.

Changing who I am to protect who I love has come from the choices I have made wrong, and not having people protect me makes me do it even more. I know I didn’t make the choice to be in the situation, but I still blame myself for staying too long, but I’m so grateful I got out.

What’s your thoughts? Can you protect too much?

Strategies

As I sit here thinking of what to write, I’m listening to music oh how I love my 90’s music. I really loved living in the ’90s actually, the fashion was great, no social media, not many technologies well that I could afford haha. This time for me was definitely less stressful for me.

When I write about these it makes me think of how over time I have found strategies to help with my Anxieties, Mental Health and Chronic Pain as some days can be very hard to get through. I would like to share some of the strategies that help me when I’m not coping. Here are some of the strategies that help me:

Music: finding my favourite music has helped to calm my mind. Arts and Crafts: This has helped me in keeping my mind busy. Garden/Beach: Just sitting or walking in a garden or at the beach helps me clear my mind. It helps get me out of the house and in the fresh air. Take a Drive: Sometimes for me just taking a simple drive on my own makes a world of difference having a change of scenery and quiet time to myself works wonders. Meditating: This works wonders for the mind to settle, but can be extremely hard to do if your mind doesn’t settle. I usually go to the beach or my quiet place where I feel at peace and do my deep breathing exercises. Drawing: This is one thing I love to do to keep my mind busy. Photography: I love to take photos, so I find this keeps my mind busy too. Walk/Run/Exercise: Go for a walk or run. Seem to make me feel good. (Not that I run, but I do walk hehe.) Any exercise makes me feel good.

Over the years I have found giving myself time and treating myself with kindness helps. Knowing that having a bad day is OK, and not to be too hard on me. I hope some of these strategies help provide some help and maybe some new favourite activities to do, as I have found while trying to find ways to keep me going forward.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a favourite decade? Which music genre helps you feel less stressed? Do you have activities that keep you going?

Mother’s Day without My Mother

As we all know yesterday was Mother’s day, hope all you deserving mothers got spoilt rotten and had a wonderful day. I sure did by my husband and children.

This has been my second year I haven’t spent Mother’s Day without my mother, and it was nice. I know you may be thinking “What do you mean by nice, it’s your mother?” Well, I say nice because I could be me. When I say this I mean by not being someone I’m not just to make my mother happy.

Every Mother’s day I felt like I had to pretend to be grateful that she was my mother when I wasn’t. I had to wait on her hand and foot, something I always did even when it wasn’t Mother’s day. It was nice just to be me for once, every year I have been knocked to the ground feeling like I was worthless and unloved. I could never enjoy the day with my family because I was always at the bottom of my hole because I felt so down. Now I don’t have to feel like that.

Not having a mother is very difficult, but it is one I had to do. If you have a mother that is good to you please treasure her and everything she does because they are one in a million.

Protecting My Children.

Living with Anxiety is hard, but protecting my children from the same anxieties and social issues I grew to have was important not pass on to them. It’s been so hard bring up my children opposite to how I feel about people to protect them from how I live, so they don’t end up like me.

Letting go of them when they had to go to school was hard for me, as I don’t have trust in people, but I had to let go of that for them to go to school. Taking them to school is extremely hard as I struggle with people I have to face, but fighting through that every day to show them how important school and socialization is, is the most important part.

I am so proud to say that pushing through my hardest to get my children through their schooling has now seeing my oldest child graduating year 12 this year and I couldn’t be anymore prouder.

Teaching them trust and keeping it by doing as I always promised, if I couldn’t do things I told them. I am honest with them, something people were never with me. I try to give them as much love as I can and be there for them whenever they need me.

I have had to put all my feeling aside to help them, they do know I suffer they do see I have some really hard days and help me get through them. It’s not easy having your children see you at your breaking point, but they are why I am here.

Giving my children the life I didn’t get was most important to me to do, I didn’t want to be like my mother. I wanted my children to know how much they are loved and wanted. How proud of them I am. They are my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.