Left Heartbroken.

Yesterday I went out to get a haircut which is something I don’t usually get done, as I can’t handle people brushing my hair, but I am in desperate need of a hair cut as my hair is died at the ends.

You know when you need a haircut when your hair becomes so hard to brush it becomes tangled and it feels stiff and looks tacky.

For someone like me going to a hairdresser comes hard as I suffer from migraines and can’t handle my hair being brushed, explaining this to someone I don’t know is not something I feel comfortable doing. So then I become very anxious about the thought of the pain which keeps me from going.

So yesterday was a big deal for me, getting the courage to go. Well, that didn’t go well, firstly, the only hairdresser I know and feel OK in only because I take my husband there was closed (just great) and another one I know because my daughter goes there was closed (hello is anyone open today seriously).

So here I am looking for another one, but I swear they all think I’m rich. I couldn’t comprehend spending $110 on a haircut. I’m not one to spend money on me, so spending that on me was not going to happen. So I came home upset I didn’t get my haircut on the only day I got the courage to do it.

One day I will get the courage again, but for now, I will have to live with what I have. Unfortunately, this is my life, doing just the simplest thing as having a haircut can be the hardest task of all.

Day With The Girls.

Yesterday I had a day out with my girls for a little retail therapy.

We had fun looking around at the shops, if my youngest one had her way she would have brought everything she set her eyes on, but what can you say she’s just like any other child.

We also sat down for a lovely lunch. It was great getting out for a day with my girls. The girls did appreciate being out as they continued to thank me when we got home. They are so sweet.

Stop Stressing, Breathe Just Breathe……

So today I’m not feeling too crash hot, but what can you do hey, keep going. I think a lot of mine is due to a lot going on at the moment, the more stress my body goes through the more my pain increases, the more my anxieties increase, and so forth.

How can you live a stress-free life it’s impossible, there are so many things you need to think about. Like, money because if you don’t have that then you can’t eat, pay your bills, or have a place to live.

Then you have the kids, you need to make sure they have all they need, keeping up with them is hard enough but we also need to, make sure you know they are doing OK, that’s a big one people miss or we forget to make sure we know about our kids. We also have partners, family and friends, so we also make sure we check in with them.

What time do we have for ourselves, making sure we are OK, making sure we take a break to look after us. Well, I know I don’t have time for that. Between looking after my family, housework, I never have time for me.

I stress myself out to the max, thinking of everything I need to do, plus trying to get myself better, it’s near impossible to do.

Oh, The Pain.

Last night was one of those nights when you can’t sleep because you’re in such excruciating pain that no matter which way you lay you can’t get comfortable.

It’s been really frustrating since losing my pain specialist and physiotherapist. The pain is getting unbearable. It makes me feel nauseous all the time.

I’m currently waiting to see new specialists to get more investigations done to find out what’s going on, but waiting for these specialists is like waiting for washing to dry in winter. In the meanwhile, I just have to suck up the pain and keep moving forward.

Hopefully, soon enough I will get some answers and help.

Fearing People.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Something I struggle with a lot in life is being social. Talking to people is hard for me to do, I fear what they are going to think about me. I fear about making a fool of myself. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get past the fear.

I know that my fear stints from past experiences with people, I know not everyone is the same, but I, unfortunately, have only been met with bad in most cases.

My fear stints so far as I’m even finding it hard to be on social media, I love doing my blog and so passionate about what I do, but I struggle to connect with others. As much as I love reading others blogs I just can’t push myself to comment, sometimes I may be able to make a small comment after fighting with myself one hundred times to get it out, but I try to just like so people see I do care.

It’s hard living in fear of people, it’s also very lonely. I have worked to try and combat my fears, but as quickly as I open my door the quicker is closers. This fear is not one I would wish upon my worse enemy.

Don’t Let It Be TABOO.

Growing up speaking up about being raped or abused was taboo which made coming forward so hard if impossible. For me it was impossible to come forward talking about things like that was taboo.

These days it’s spoken about everywhere I’m so grateful of that, that the younger generation doesn’t have to suffer as I did, and many like me did.

Many get angry when it is shown like it is in 13 Reasons Why. I as a victim of abuse have watched this series and are glad someone brought to light these issues society has. Yes, I know they are confronting, but it’s reality.

This was my reality when I was a teenager, I didn’t have anywhere to go, anyone to talk to. This was almost my end, but I’m a survivor. We don’t all end up like this, but it can happen. There are so many different ways things can go if we only changed our directions, I think this is a really good way to help us look at how our actions can affect others and our future choices.

No one should suffer in silence, it shouldn’t be taboo, unfortunately, this is reality. The more we are open about it hopefully the less it will happen or at least people know they won’t have to suffer in silence.

The Best Companion.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

I wanted to share with you all another love of mine, he is a big part of my life, he keeps me company, he loves me unconditionally, he wakes me when I’m having a turn, he comforts me when I’m feeling my worse, he is my companion and best friend, he is my dog, Buddy.

Without him in my life I would be lonely, he keeps me company when no ones home. At night some times, I have these turns I don’t know what they are, but he wakes me up by licking me. I know I have had a turn because I have a left facial droop when I get up from one.

He means the world to me. He helps in every aspect of my life, I’m so lucky to have him, he is the most patient and the calmest dog you could ask for.

Pets can be a great help in coping. If you have a pet I would love to hear?

The Untold Secrets Behind An Abuse Survivor

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This blog I wanted to share how being an abuse survivor has changed my life, in ways many people wouldn’t think. There are daily life activities that can’t be done due to a trigger/Flashback.

To exclude triggers/flashbacks in my life I have needed to change the way I live my life. These are secrets I hold close to my heart, but it’s the reality of what the rape and abuse have caused.

These triggers can be having a shower, I need to have the door open as I get scared of the unknown, meaning I need to know if anyone is outside the door, I also can’t shower with a shower curtain as I feel like I’m being grabbed.

I leave the door of the toilet open because I freak out in the small room. I can’t be scared, I need to know where everyone is in the house. I can’t be touched from behind.

I also struggle with clothing, any tight-fitting clothing, hoodies are my worst enemy as they bring back my biggest triggers, the feeling of someone who has their hand around my throat, just as it did on one of the occasions.

I don’t sleep in anything but undies and singlet as I wake up feeling like someone’s grabbing me. My husband can’t even hold me in bed.

My life changed drastically when I went through all of this, but I’m a survivor I’m here and I’m telling my story. Yes, I had to change my life to not include things, but its better than remembering the bad.

We don’t have to let it shape us into what we don’t want to be, don’t let them win.

The Story Behind The Birthday.

I wanted to write this blog to explain a little further on the blog I had written yesterday and the reasoning behind why I didn’t want a birthday after this day.

This day was the one I feel was the day my parents in particularly my mother, gave up on me and this is why this one stands out. What I mean by this is, by her giving me what she did it felt like an end.

Not long after this day I was kicked out of home and spent the next 20 years fighting to get her to be a mother. Someone who is there when you need them, someone who listens to you, someone who just loves you.

Finally, in the end, I couldn’t handle the effects it was causing not only me but my children. I left the ball in her court only to have it thrown in my face and told to not contact her until I grow the hell up(putting it nicely). I spent my life trying to fit in, trying to be who she wanted me to be, who was never going to be good enough.

This birthday was one year ago she told me to not return, so it’s still so raw, but I feel like that day was my sixteenth birthday when she brought me everything to leave.

No matter how much you try to move forward after an event like this every child pines for a mother and it hurts a lot especially with occasions like these, but we have to keep moving forward.

Just remember to treasure your loved ones.

Please Skip My Birthday.

Over the weekend it was my birthday, I am one that doesn’t like to celebrate my birthday as it’s a day that I find hard.

Ever since I was sixteen I hated birthdays, why you may ask, well, this day was one I was made to feel not wanted nor loved.

I have never been ungrateful for what I have received but this day I wanted to give everything back.

My birthday gifts consisted of household gifts this included:

  • Towels
  • Dinner ware
  • Pots and pans
  • Knife and Forks
  • Glassware
  • Coffee cups

Everything you needed to move out of home I was devastated. I was a sixteen-year-old girl who already felt unloved who now feels this is their way of saying I was old enough to move out. Ever since that day I have never wanted a birthday again.