The Proudest Mother on Earth

If you would have asked me about my daughter 5 years ago I would have told you she is in the darkest whole of her life, Why you my ask?

She was in her last term of year 7 going into high school the next year, begging me not to send her to high school.

She begged her teachers to keep her another year. She was so scared of starting high school.

As a mother you try your best to keep them safe and happy, but sometimes things don’t go to plan.

Her anxiety took the best out of her in high school, her first year was our worse nightmare, she became a self Harmer, but by god I was not going to stand by and let her hurt herself.

I saw myself in her doing the same thing, but I wasn’t going to let it take the best of her.

I packed my family up moved us to another city to start a new live. I worked with her and helped her fight her fight (she never self harmed from the day we left), I was her biggest cheerleader.

My daughter went from failing every class in her first year, to now 4 weeks from graduating high school as an A student.

To top it off she has also had an early acceptance into University in Law and Justice.

If you asked me 5 years ago if this was were my daughter would be I would say no, and not because I didn’t believe she could do it, it’s purely because I couldn’t think about anything but keeping her alive.

Everyone said she would never make it, but I never gave up, no matter how sick I was I drove her to school everyday. Even if she was crying, or screaming, we also text between breaks for her pick me ups.

Now seeing her proud of herself and what she has achieved was all worth it. I could not be any prouder.

Staying Strong For Others

You know when you need to be strong for others, but inside your fighting so hard to keep your own demons at bay. That’s exactly how I feel.

I’m trying so hard to stay strong for others around me, but I can feel myself falling apart at the seems.

How do you tell people that you aren’t coping when your their only support?

This world can be so cruel. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away, and or shut yourself up. But who does it help in the end?

Got to keep fighting, one foot in front of another.

The Endless Fight With Depression

Depression can be a viscous circle. You work so hard to keep your head out of the deep dark hole, to keep those demons at bay. Yet it takes one thing to trigger our thoughts and emotions.

You learn over time how to not let everything get to you or at least trigger your emotions off, but there become points in time where there are an overwhelming amount of different things happening all at once.

When these times happen it sends us into this painful spiral of emotions that you can’t control. You become so numb to the world, because the emotions are so overwhelming.

You can’t concentrate, you can’t think, you don’t know how to feel. You have these thoughts in your head of what the point of fighting is.

You know that it’s all because things have become too much to take in, but the constant fights become harder and harder even though you know how to fight.

It’s not easy fighting the endless battle, but this is the life of depression.

Anxiety

Anxiety is that mechanism is your brain called fear, but amplified 100 times more.

It’s that fear of judgement the moment you leave your house wondering if your going to have to talk to people you don’t know or see someone you don’t want to see.

The constant fear of the what if’s, what if this happens or what if that happens that consumes you whole.

The constant fear of having to face people wandering if they are looking at you because of the way you look or wandering if they are talking about you.

No matter how hard you try to ignore the fear it finds it way to consume you.

This is what anxiety feels like to me.

My Fear Is Realised

This week has been extremely hard for me, I have tried to find ways to refocus my mind, but it’s been one thing that has been hard to do.

You know when you get news you don’t want to hear, your mind takes over your thought process.

I try to tell myself don’t think about, or just wait and see, but it’s easier said than done.

I finally went and had my scan they have wanted me to do. The one thing I was trying so hard not to do out of fear of hearing news I didn’t want to hear.

Well I got the news I didn’t want to hear, I have not one, but two lumps in my neck they still don’t know what they are, but are in need of removing.

I’m scared out of my brain, and my brain is running one hundred miles an hour, thinking of everything. It’s even worse when they don’t know what it is unless they remove them.

The risks are so high as every surgery, but leaving them there can be higher.

Everyone says don’t think about it, or don’t stress, but how do you tell your mind that. It’s a part of who we are.

The next step is the one I have to stay strong for, keep positive and push through.

Here’s to the next step.