The Proudest Mother on Earth

If you would have asked me about my daughter 5 years ago I would have told you she is in the darkest whole of her life, Why you my ask?

She was in her last term of year 7 going into high school the next year, begging me not to send her to high school.

She begged her teachers to keep her another year. She was so scared of starting high school.

As a mother you try your best to keep them safe and happy, but sometimes things don’t go to plan.

Her anxiety took the best out of her in high school, her first year was our worse nightmare, she became a self Harmer, but by god I was not going to stand by and let her hurt herself.

I saw myself in her doing the same thing, but I wasn’t going to let it take the best of her.

I packed my family up moved us to another city to start a new live. I worked with her and helped her fight her fight (she never self harmed from the day we left), I was her biggest cheerleader.

My daughter went from failing every class in her first year, to now 4 weeks from graduating high school as an A student.

To top it off she has also had an early acceptance into University in Law and Justice.

If you asked me 5 years ago if this was were my daughter would be I would say no, and not because I didn’t believe she could do it, it’s purely because I couldn’t think about anything but keeping her alive.

Everyone said she would never make it, but I never gave up, no matter how sick I was I drove her to school everyday. Even if she was crying, or screaming, we also text between breaks for her pick me ups.

Now seeing her proud of herself and what she has achieved was all worth it. I could not be any prouder.

Staying Strong For Others

You know when you need to be strong for others, but inside your fighting so hard to keep your own demons at bay. That’s exactly how I feel.

I’m trying so hard to stay strong for others around me, but I can feel myself falling apart at the seems.

How do you tell people that you aren’t coping when your their only support?

This world can be so cruel. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away, and or shut yourself up. But who does it help in the end?

Got to keep fighting, one foot in front of another.

The Endless Fight With Depression

Depression can be a viscous circle. You work so hard to keep your head out of the deep dark hole, to keep those demons at bay. Yet it takes one thing to trigger our thoughts and emotions.

You learn over time how to not let everything get to you or at least trigger your emotions off, but there become points in time where there are an overwhelming amount of different things happening all at once.

When these times happen it sends us into this painful spiral of emotions that you can’t control. You become so numb to the world, because the emotions are so overwhelming.

You can’t concentrate, you can’t think, you don’t know how to feel. You have these thoughts in your head of what the point of fighting is.

You know that it’s all because things have become too much to take in, but the constant fights become harder and harder even though you know how to fight.

It’s not easy fighting the endless battle, but this is the life of depression.

Anxiety

Anxiety is that mechanism is your brain called fear, but amplified 100 times more.

It’s that fear of judgement the moment you leave your house wondering if your going to have to talk to people you don’t know or see someone you don’t want to see.

The constant fear of the what if’s, what if this happens or what if that happens that consumes you whole.

The constant fear of having to face people wandering if they are looking at you because of the way you look or wandering if they are talking about you.

No matter how hard you try to ignore the fear it finds it way to consume you.

This is what anxiety feels like to me.

My Fear Is Realised

This week has been extremely hard for me, I have tried to find ways to refocus my mind, but it’s been one thing that has been hard to do.

You know when you get news you don’t want to hear, your mind takes over your thought process.

I try to tell myself don’t think about, or just wait and see, but it’s easier said than done.

I finally went and had my scan they have wanted me to do. The one thing I was trying so hard not to do out of fear of hearing news I didn’t want to hear.

Well I got the news I didn’t want to hear, I have not one, but two lumps in my neck they still don’t know what they are, but are in need of removing.

I’m scared out of my brain, and my brain is running one hundred miles an hour, thinking of everything. It’s even worse when they don’t know what it is unless they remove them.

The risks are so high as every surgery, but leaving them there can be higher.

Everyone says don’t think about it, or don’t stress, but how do you tell your mind that. It’s a part of who we are.

The next step is the one I have to stay strong for, keep positive and push through.

Here’s to the next step.

A Little Treasure From The Deep

So I wanted to share a beautiful moment I will forever treasure, a moment many don’t get to be blessed to see.

At this time of the year it is migration time for our beautiful creatures of the deep, and I was lucky enough to share this experience with my kids while having some down time at the beach.

So I thought I would share my beautiful experience with you all, this video can’t explain the overwhelming feeling you feel when you see these wild animals doing what they do best, but I sure hope you can at least see how these beautiful animals enjoy their freedom.

These are the most majestic animals of the deep blue sea.

So Proud

Today was such a special day. Today I watched a boy turn into a man, he who I once watched riding his bike acting like a complete sausage. To watching him Graduate year 12.

I couldn’t be anymore proud of this boy, he has been through more than any child should in a lifetime.

Unfortunately we lost his mum to DV just over three years ago, every day has been a struggle for him, but even through all the pain and sorrow he came through it all and graduated.

His mum would’ve been so proud of him. He proved no matter what you go through big or small you can accomplish anything you put your mind too.

I couldn’t be more proud.

Struggle To Fight The Anxiety

You know when you have to have test done, but your anxieties get in the way, that has become my dilemma.

It all started a couple of weeks ago while I had a CT scan. The CT scan was checking my head, while doing that they picked up a lump near my jaw.

They are unsure what it is or why it’s there they think it my be a lymph nodes, so they have ask for more scans.

Here’s where my dilemma comes in.

Every time I go to make the appointment to have the scan done my anxiety goes through the roof and I can’t push myself to make the appointment.

Yes, I know I need to get it checked, but the fear in me out way the need to check. I have truly had enough. Every time I go to a doctor the add a new condition to my list and I couldn’t bear anymore.

Anxiety is a powerful thing and can control what you do, it impacts the most important choices in your life. I know the right choices, but struggle to fight the fear.

Start In The Right Direction

It took me along time to come to terms that something wasn’t right with me mentally. I never knew why I felt the way I did.

I was ashamed to go and see a doctor to talk about feeling like I did, but I am sure glad I did.

So many people out there are so afraid of opening themselves to their emotions or don’t want to except that there is something wrong.

I know exactly how that feels, I was in the same situation, but once your ready to open your door, you will take the first step in the right direction.

Life isn’t easy, but it’s the start of a new beginning.