Living with Mental Illnesses are hard and very lonely. Some people don’t understand how drained you feel when your head goes one hundred times a day thinking about so much at once. People don’t understand how hard it is to battle the demons that lie within. How tiring it is to battle them every day. How lonely it is to not have people understand your thought process. How hard it is to sleep of the night, and why you’re so tired in the morning.
Mental Illness is a battle no one wants or asks for. we don’t ask for judgement, just support. We battle our own Demons daily, we don’t need to battle for help or understanding. Just awareness.
Over my life, people have looked at me and just assumed I am what they say snobby. Instead of talking to me and getting to know me they just judge me. I am shy when you meet me, but that’s because I suffer from social anxiety. I struggle to talk to people, so I shy away. I don’t use eye contact, I always look at the floor, because I’m scared people will talk to me.
Living with social anxiety is difficult, you shy away from people. Contact to the outside is very difficult. Going out is difficult as I struggle with my mind, thinking that people are going to talk to me, everyone is looking at me and talking about me. and how am I going to deal with my mind. I can’t go anywhere by myself as I will just run and go home.
I didn’t choose to have this, this happened due to all the trauma I endured by people in my life. It’s not that I dislike people it’s just hard for me to trust people. This is why I write my Blogs to share my life and daily struggles. I hope, it helps others understand they are not alone, and help others to understand how people feel with different mental illnesses.
Last night I was fast asleep, then something woke me. All of a sudden I had a whole lot of things come to my head, that was it my anxiety kicked in, the moment your heart starts pounding, freaking out because so much is going on and you don’t know how to stop it. My ears are ringing so loud it’s making me feel angry. My head feels like it’s about to explode. I can’t breathe.
Now I have to stop it before it devours me, breathe girl breathe. turn the music on stop the ringing. relax you will be OK. Distract yourself, you can do this. Four hours later I finally drifted back to sleep, but I got through it.
Today is not the best, but I know it’s only due to being tired that I feel this way. The power of the mind is so powerful, controlling it is the hardest.
I sit here and think about what I have lost in my life, the friends, the family, and think about how I stayed strong enough to get through all the loss. Some have passed, some have left, and some I have needed to leave.
Losing people has been hard to overcome, but the ones you choose to leave are easier to overcome. Even though for me these have been family, the ones that are supposed to be there, I have found these easier to let go of.
My choices haven’t been easy, it’s taken me a long time to consider if I was doing the right thing for me. When you suffer from mental illness you need to consider what’s right and wrong to heal. Having people drag you down and make you feel even worse about yourself is not what you need. So making the decisions I did was to make me happy, and help me heal.
All my life I have been made to be someone I’m not to make others happy. In doing that I have been miserable. You become a zombie in doing what others want you to do. You lose your self-worth and being in life. It’s hard to escape from. Gaining strength to get out. Believing in yourself that you are worthy when you have been made to feel your not.
The escape is well worth it, gaining your life back. But it doesn’t come without its hard times, learning who I am, doing things on my own. Not being told how to do things. But wouldn’t change it for the world. To be me is the best.
It all started 10 years ago while I was at work, it was a last minute fill in that changed my life forever. I worked as a personal care worker in peoples homes, and this day I went to pick up a client. As she went to get into my car she fell backwards on to me, my left arm was stuck under as she fell to the floor. At first all I cared about was her well fair. She got up, and I got her to her appointment, And she was checked at her appointment.
After I settled the pain was excruciating, I knew I need help. So off to the doctor I went. I went and had scans done. My shoulder and elbow were hurt. I couldn’t use the left arm as the pain was excruciating, so I was using my right arm. Using my right arm so much, I overused it and that was hurt too.
I didn’t have an understanding employer at the time, she bullied me, she use to tell everyone my health problems out loud in front of the whole office. She use to yell at me and belittle me in front of people. I became very depressed by this.
I could no longer work in the field of work I worked in. As time has gone on I have got worse physically and mentally. I am fighting to get better, I know I will never be the same physically or mentally, but I know there’s so much more to life. I always my children to get a job they will be happy with rather than a job they just do because you never know when it can be cut short. I didn’t get to do what I wanted and never will. I struggle every day with that I don’t want them to go through what I have it’s important to be happy in life.
All my life I have struggled to fit into my family. I felt like I have had to be someone I’m not to make my parents happy. I felt like I could never do right. I always felt alone, and not wanted.
When I was a teen I wasn’t wanted by them and told to leave at 16. After a few years of living away from home I forte for the next 20 years for them to love me. “Over time that’s really what you pine for and that’s love.”
I realized over time it just wouldn’t happen. You can’t make people want to do something they don’t want to do. I had to except that I wouldn’t be who they wanted me to be. To be me I had to give them up as they did me.
Being a mum myself I don’t understand how parents can be like that to their own children, all they need is love and support. Not judgement and criticism. All need is to be excepted for who they are no matter what.
People don’t realize what this does to a child. I struggle now due to this. The people who brought me into this world are the ones who should have loved me and protected me, they are the ones you are supposed to trust, but they are the ones who hurt me the most.
Being supportive and loving to children is the most important in growth.
Today is a day I dread, but I know I need and that’s therapy. I dread this day as I have to relive past events I don’t want to remember, but in the need to understand and move forward in my life. I need to go.
I need to overcome past events. But doing this meaning mentally and emotionally it drains me and takes the next day or two of down days, but I know this is what I need because I have learnt to gain strength and understanding from my past to move forward and make the choices I have .
For so many years I have suffered in silence, but that lead me nowhere but in the biggest hole of my life, I knew I had to get help, but that hasn’t been easy to find. I have been through five different therapists before I found one I could work with, but even then it took me 3 months to open up, but they have been the most patient and understanding which has made it most helpful.
There are good therapists out there. Follow your gut, if you don’t like one move to the next. You need to find one you feel right with. It makes healing easier. Don’t suffer in silence.
I sit here thinking about what to write and nothing comes to mind. I think about my morning, did I wake up OK, did I do anything, and wonder why I feel so blank. Then I think it’s just one of them day’s when you don’t have a thought process, no feeling, low mood. These days just drain you mentally. Sometimes I know why I have these days, but sometimes I don’t.
Unfortunately, these are parts of mental illness. We have our highs and we have our lows, sometimes we can explain them, and sometimes we can’t. These days can bring our emotions to our lowest point because we have no control over our thoughts or feelings at this time.
When I talk about seeking help/support this is a hard subject to talk about as it is one that is hard to receive. People always say “You need help” or “You need to talk to someone”. This is all well and good for someone on the outside to say, but it’s not that easy to do.
Firstly you have to acknowledge you need help. Secondly, you need support from people, not negativity. and Thirdly finding good help is the hardest thing to do. They say there is a lot of support and help out there, but when you need it, it doesn’t seem to be there.
I have been to many Psychologist over the years, some very unhelpful, judgement and very critical people. That makes you lose trust and faith in people. They are supposed to be there for you to help/support you at your lowest, and yet they seem to judge you. I have seen some who tell me to stop living in the past, I had some tell me to get over it, seriously do they think I like having PTSD, depression and social anxiety. My past is the reason I have what I have, you can’t just get over it, I wish I could, but it doesn’t work like that.
There really needs to be better supports out there, a better understanding of what we go through. Better training not just for a therapist, but doctors, family, friends, employers. Making environments less stressful for people is a start.
What do you feel would make it easier for people with Mental Illness? How could you help others understand more? What training do you think could be put in place to help the changes?