Over my life I have developed into who I am due to the unfortunate advents that took place through out it. It’s made me more aware of my surroundings, who I have in my life, and who I am as person. It hasn’t been easy to make the choices I have, but having to make the choices I have, have helped me heal and move forward in my life.
Living with mental illness is not easy, there are lot’s of struggles we fight against every day, but over time we find mechanisms that help us cope day to day. One of my biggest things is having someone with me when I have to go out, as I don’t cope on my own. As I’m scared of the unknown and also scared of people, but find it easier when I have someone with me.
Over time I have learnt to except me for who I am and what I have. I can’t change what happened to me or fix it. I just keep one foot in front of another.
When you feel like your world comes crashing in. That’s what happened to me when I had to pop into the shop yesterday. There was a domestic dispute between a woman and a man. As soon as I heard the yelling, that was it, I turn into ball of mess inside, the shaking started, I felt like I had to run, and that’s exactly what I did, straight out the door and to the car, with my heart pounding one hundred times an hour, the memories that came flooding back were incredible. These are why these tasks are so hard to do. when you have moments like this happen.
While working one day and got hurt, which has not allowed me to go back to work, due to the injuries I obtained.
While I have been injured I have also been diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension, Genetic caused of Migraines, Osteoarthritis in my spine, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression and Social Anxiety. So life hasn’t been easy, not just for me, but my family watching me sick. But I try my best to keep a smile on my face at least for my kids.
Even after all I have been through I have found a husband, that see me for me and not what I have and that looks after me and my kids, I have the best children anyone could ask for. And one friend that has been there for over 30 years.
Even though I don’t talk to my parents or my siblings, Or have any other family around, I also don’t have friends or even like to socialize, purely because of my life, I am happy with my husband and my children and they are all I need. I don’t feel pressured to be someone I’m not or have to explain why I can’t do things. My family understand me and that’s all I need.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I don’t want people to judge me. I am telling my story to let others know, I do understand what it feels like, I do know how it feels to be in the biggest hole and feel like there is no way out. But I’m here and I have all I need. They are why I live.
I was 16 living out of home hanging out with older guys, drinking, smoking. and partying. Hated who I was, I was self harming by burning and scratching myself till i had no skin.
I then dated this guy who forced me to have sex with him when he wanted it, I use to have to eat alone in the room when his friends were around. I had no self worth anymore, I use to feel sick when he finished doing what he did, then I waited for him to go to sleep, so I could go in the shower and just wash all the pain away. This went on for 3 yrs. Till he had an arranged married which got me away from him.
Then his friend took me away to, Well what he said to have a break for the weekend, which turned into a nightmare. He was just like the rest of the men I met in my life. He tied me up and raped me multiple times over a 24 hour period until my body couldn’t take it anymore and just kept bleeding and he let me go only so I could wash up, which is when I locked myself in the toilet, so he couldn’t hurt me anymore.
Then I met my first husband our relationship was like a well wind, we met, I got pregnant, moved in together and we got married all in a year and a half, then it all went down hill. He was physically, mentally, and financially abusive towards both me and our daughter. This was one of the hardest to escape, because I had a child to look out for. I finally got the courage to end our married and stop him from coming back into our lives 8 years later. It was one of the hardest things to do, the fear of how he was going to react, what he was going to do to me for leaving him. It’s a scary process.
My story begins when I was 6, I was molested by a man my parents allowed into our home, it was a very scary moment in my life the fear that ran through me not knowing what was happening, but knowing it was NOT OK, but so scared stiff not knowing what to do. I can still feel that moment now it never goes away, you just learn to deal with the trauma. I never told anyone about this at the time because I didn’t know if I should, which I live with now, but I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone.
Next I was 12 and had my first boyfriend and was playing around with him and he made a remark to me so I hit him jokingly, Well that was the worse thing I could have done because he lost control and beat me. He beat me so bad I couldn’t move my right arm, I was bruised all down my right side. At first I didn’t say anything, but I went to school the next day and me teacher noticed something was wrong, and tried to touch me, so I told her I fell off me bike, she then sent me home. I then had to tell me mum what happened and she told me I deserved it, because I hit him first. No one deserves this no matter what, but I was made to feel bad.
Then at 16 I met an woman older than me who introduced me to her boyfriend and his friends. Well this would be a nightmare. She took me to her boyfriends house where she left me with his friend alone, so he thought he could rape me, I was screaming for her help, with no such luck, even though she was in the next room. I eventually got away, ran out of the house and hid scared out of my mind, feeling so dirty, and alone. I stayed outside all night till my friend came out in the morning, I said I want to go home, so she took me home, but on the way home she asked me what was wrong, I told her what happened and she said I deserved it because I shouldn’t have been flirting. So it gives the right for a man to take advantage of a woman.
Then a few weeks later my mum kicked me out of home, so then I was out fending for myself, which saw some very dark times.
I started this blog on the hopes of sharing with people the harsh realities of Mental Illness and Chronic Pain, in hope that there would be less fatalities. I read of the fatalities and it makes me sad. I know how hard it is to live with Mental Illness and also lose someone from the same Mental Illness I have, and how hard it is after they leave. I know we don’t suffer anymore, but the one’s we love suffer long term in replacement.
I can’t sit here and say I haven’t thought about it, because I would be lying, but I think of how many would suffer more without me here. I know I have the worse days, but they come and go. I don’t feel them all all the time, and when I’m at my worse I seek help.
I fight every day with the demons that live inside, due to the people who have brought harm to me. And I struggle every day with Chronic Pain, but I keep pushing through because I know my family LOVE me and NEED me, which keeps me fighting. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s easy, because it’s far from that. I just want you to know even at your lowest point, open up to someone close and talk it out, or seek help, because the people you leave behind suffer in the long run.
Let me explain my darkest day, these days are the hardest and most scariest, the one’s I dread the most. On these days you don’t want to get out of bed as you know everything is going to bother you. These days happen when my week has got on top of me, in meaning this, is too many of my triggers have happened all at once, and I can’t control my thoughts and feelings. A dark day for me is a day I prefer not to live, the emotions are so overwhelming and hard to control. From the littlest sound that bugs me, noise being too loud, (it sounds like a speaker in my head) that feels like it takes away your thoughts and concentration. you feel like a ticking time bomb. You can’t talk to anyone because you can’t express yourself. I don’t like to be touched or hugged, which is hard being a mum. These days I just need to be alone and have no triggers. Because these days can go very wrong, These are why they are my scariest days, these days are the one’s I know I have to shut the world out to get through, You have to have the strength to push through, and an understanding family network. these are the times I need them the most, just to be there to keep an eye on me and keep me safe.
Why is that when it’s a miserable day outside, it makes everyone around so gloomy, which then entail you to feel gloomy? We all hope for rain, but when it comes it just puts a damper on everyone’s mood.
People see with their eyes, which makes living with Mental Illness and Chronic Pain so hard. People don’t see the pain we carry on the inside, the struggles, the anxiety. The constant battles with ourselves. From the fights we have with ourselves over getting up, to how hard it was getting ourselves out of the house. To now fighting to keep ourselves out long enough to get things done, before not being able to stay out anymore because your getting so over welcomed, that you need to be back in the comfort of your own home. This is my reality every day, and many just like me. this is why I want people to understand, just because you can’t see something on the outside doesn’t mean something isn’t going on, on the inside. A simple are you OK is all that is needed, and never judge a book by it’s cover.
The emotionless feeling you get when you “don’t know how you feel”, or “why you feel the way you do”. When you can’t be any emotion, and you can’t express the feeling, but just feel all numb. These days aren’t my favourite, as they can’t be explained, you just need to be comforted. These are the days you need the support from loved ones, no questions, just a shoulder and a bit of love.