Today was such a special day. Today I watched a boy turn into a man, he who I once watched riding his bike acting like a complete sausage. To watching him Graduate year 12.
I couldn’t be anymore proud of this boy, he has been through more than any child should in a lifetime.
Unfortunately we lost his mum to DV just over three years ago, every day has been a struggle for him, but even through all the pain and sorrow he came through it all and graduated.
His mum would’ve been so proud of him. He proved no matter what you go through big or small you can accomplish anything you put your mind too.
I couldn’t be more proud.
You know when you have to have test done, but your anxieties get in the way, that has become my dilemma.
It all started a couple of weeks ago while I had a CT scan. The CT scan was checking my head, while doing that they picked up a lump near my jaw.
They are unsure what it is or why it’s there they think it my be a lymph nodes, so they have ask for more scans.
Here’s where my dilemma comes in.
Every time I go to make the appointment to have the scan done my anxiety goes through the roof and I can’t push myself to make the appointment.
Yes, I know I need to get it checked, but the fear in me out way the need to check. I have truly had enough. Every time I go to a doctor the add a new condition to my list and I couldn’t bear anymore.
Anxiety is a powerful thing and can control what you do, it impacts the most important choices in your life. I know the right choices, but struggle to fight the fear.
It took me along time to come to terms that something wasn’t right with me mentally. I never knew why I felt the way I did.
I was ashamed to go and see a doctor to talk about feeling like I did, but I am sure glad I did.
So many people out there are so afraid of opening themselves to their emotions or don’t want to except that there is something wrong.
I know exactly how that feels, I was in the same situation, but once your ready to open your door, you will take the first step in the right direction.
Life isn’t easy, but it’s the start of a new beginning.
These last few days I have had some much needed R & R and boy did I need this.
I have spent the most part of my life living with Mental illness.
Over the years I have spent many days trying to learn how to cope with the ups and downs you go through.
My word it’s hard, there are so many ups and downs that you endure on your journey, but it’s apart of living with these conditions.
There is no cure for what we have, but pure strength and willpower. Every day is a learning curve, but it’s definitely a fight worth fighting.
I will never sit here and tell anyone it’s easy because it’s far from that. I can never tell you that you will be cured, but I will tell you it does get better with practice.
I am just like everyone suffering, I too have bad days, but I’m still here fighting the same battle I did back then, but it’s ok and I’m ok with that.
This is what makes me ME. Except who you are and you will be ok.
Some parents hate the thought of school holidays, but I pine for these times. I miss the kids when they are not around.
They give me the reason to keep moving every day. They bring me back to my childhood the one I missed.
With the I can be myself, the more goofy I am the happier they are. They keep me feeling young and full of life.
For those parents who dread these times of the year the miss the best time of your life, and your kids definitely miss it.
Can’t wait to next week for the school holidays to start. Bring on the goofing around.
I find myself waking up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck, every muscle in my body was sore. I must have had one of those nights when you toss and turn so much as though you had been fighting your night away.
I have spent years learning to not let things bother me and stand up for myself. Why I have let things get to me is not like me.
I kick myself for letting others bother me. I need to follow my heart and what I believe in.
Over the last week I have been finding it really hard to push through. When I get like this I do things that make me happy to push me through, but I can’t seem to get past one thing.
I know that I shouldn’t let things get on top of me as it just makes my mind take over, but sometimes no matter how hard you try some just play on your mind longer than others.
These days I don’t feel like I am being true to myself.
I set myself a goal that I wanted to create a blog that showed my life, it’s ups, it’s downs. The twists and turns, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I feel like I haven’t kept to my true self lately, I’m not one who likes to complain or have people feel sorry for me, so sometimes I find it hard to write.
I want to share the real battle I have, the one I have with my head on a daily basis. The one I have to get up.
The reality of getting up, the endless fights with my brain, to the endless battle with pain. The excruciating migraines that make my jaw clench.
To getting myself to the end of the day with so much frustrating that my talking turns into screams because I can’t handle the pain anymore.
When my mouth keeps bleeding because all the skin in my mouth has been bitten.
All you wish for is it all to stop, to be normal just one more time.
Growing up I loved to dance and sing, I joined every singing and dance group I could at school, I also danced outside of school. I started dancing at the age of 4 until I was 14. I don’t know why I stopped dancing, but I do remember my life-changing around this age.
I sang in the chore at school until I quit school at 15, yes, 15 it was only for a short time when I realised what I did and returned to a new school at 16 to complete my year 12, Unfortunately, I only completed it partially as I was removed from my home.
Music was a big part of my life growing up, I also played instruments. I played the Cello, Bass Guitar and self-taught myself how to play the Keyboard.
Music is a big outlet for me, it keeps me from thinking of things, it also keeps me calm. I’m so glad I had music as a part of my life. I sit and watch my daughters doing as I did then and it reminds me of how happy I was.
I encourage their love for music to continue, in the hope they find the same peace and comfort I find in this beautiful art.
Last night my youngest daughter had a concert at school, it was lovely seeing my daughter up on stage doing what she loves doing and that is singing. She has such a beautiful voice. She is the shyest girl yet she looked the most comfortable up on stage.
This year I really tried to encourage her to be active in the chore, which she did. I have been so proud of her giving up her lunch break to practice with the chore (mind you, she is only 7).
She has said she wants to be a singer and I want her to follow her dream, being supportive in her endeavour will hopefully help her take one step closer to her dream.