You Too Will Be OK

These last few days I have had some much needed R & R and boy did I need this.

I have spent the most part of my life living with Mental illness.

Over the years I have spent many days trying to learn how to cope with the ups and downs you go through.

My word it’s hard, there are so many ups and downs that you endure on your journey, but it’s apart of living with these conditions.

There is no cure for what we have, but pure strength and willpower. Every day is a learning curve, but it’s definitely a fight worth fighting.

I will never sit here and tell anyone it’s easy because it’s far from that. I can never tell you that you will be cured, but I will tell you it does get better with practice.

I am just like everyone suffering, I too have bad days, but I’m still here fighting the same battle I did back then, but it’s ok and I’m ok with that.

This is what makes me ME. Except who you are and you will be ok.

Love The School Holidays

Some parents hate the thought of school holidays, but I pine for these times. I miss the kids when they are not around.

They give me the reason to keep moving every day. They bring me back to my childhood the one I missed.

With the I can be myself, the more goofy I am the happier they are. They keep me feeling young and full of life.

For those parents who dread these times of the year the miss the best time of your life, and your kids definitely miss it.

Can’t wait to next week for the school holidays to start. Bring on the goofing around.

Hit By A Truck

I find myself waking up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck, every muscle in my body was sore. I must have had one of those nights when you toss and turn so much as though you had been fighting your night away.

I have spent years learning to not let things bother me and stand up for myself. Why I have let things get to me is not like me.

I kick myself for letting others bother me. I need to follow my heart and what I believe in.

That One Thing That Plays On Your Mind

Over the last week I have been finding it really hard to push through. When I get like this I do things that make me happy to push me through, but I can’t seem to get past one thing.

I know that I shouldn’t let things get on top of me as it just makes my mind take over, but sometimes no matter how hard you try some just play on your mind longer than others.

Just Be You

These days I don’t feel like I am being true to myself.

I set myself a goal that I wanted to create a blog that showed my life, it’s ups, it’s downs. The twists and turns, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I feel like I haven’t kept to my true self lately, I’m not one who likes to complain or have people feel sorry for me, so sometimes I find it hard to write.

I want to share the real battle I have, the one I have with my head on a daily basis. The one I have to get up.

The reality of getting up, the endless fights with my brain, to the endless battle with pain. The excruciating migraines that make my jaw clench.

To getting myself to the end of the day with so much frustrating that my talking turns into screams because I can’t handle the pain anymore.

When my mouth keeps bleeding because all the skin in my mouth has been bitten.

All you wish for is it all to stop, to be normal just one more time.

Music Is So Powerful

Growing up I loved to dance and sing, I joined every singing and dance group I could at school, I also danced outside of school. I started dancing at the age of 4 until I was 14. I don’t know why I stopped dancing, but I do remember my life-changing around this age.

I sang in the chore at school until I quit school at 15, yes, 15 it was only for a short time when I realised what I did and returned to a new school at 16 to complete my year 12, Unfortunately, I only completed it partially as I was removed from my home.

Music was a big part of my life growing up, I also played instruments. I played the Cello, Bass Guitar and self-taught myself how to play the Keyboard.

Music is a big outlet for me, it keeps me from thinking of things, it also keeps me calm. I’m so glad I had music as a part of my life. I sit and watch my daughters doing as I did then and it reminds me of how happy I was.

I encourage their love for music to continue, in the hope they find the same peace and comfort I find in this beautiful art.

My Little Singer

Last night my youngest daughter had a concert at school, it was lovely seeing my daughter up on stage doing what she loves doing and that is singing. She has such a beautiful voice. She is the shyest girl yet she looked the most comfortable up on stage.

This year I really tried to encourage her to be active in the chore, which she did. I have been so proud of her giving up her lunch break to practice with the chore (mind you, she is only 7).

She has said she wants to be a singer and I want her to follow her dream, being supportive in her endeavour will hopefully help her take one step closer to her dream.

Devastated.

This morning I had a phone call from a friend of mine it was nice to hear from someone, I don’t let a lot of people in on my life or my health, but she has been a friend for more than 30years.

It’s nice to do a good catch up, as we don’t usually talk much as life gets in the way, but we make sure to check in with a message saying “I love you” or “I miss you” every week and a phone call once a month.

She is a friend you can say anything too and feel comfortable with, well that’s what I thought. I’m so devastated. I never thought telling her something she would make fun of me for.

She asked me about my health and I had explained to her about my new condition CVG (Cutis Verticis Gyrata) and she had explained that she used to make fun of a boy in school with a scalp like mine, I said to her that’s really mean. She continued to say it was funny, I stated it’s not funny, your really mean.

Near the end of the conversation she thought it would be funny to call me the same things she use to call the boy in her school. I feel so heartbroken how can people be so cruel. I feel terrible having the condition in the first place, without people making fun of me especially the one you are meant to trust.

What do you do when people make fun?

Don’t Regret What You Didn’t Do.

I think about what I have accomplished in my life and I really haven’t accomplished a lot.

I didn’t get my dream job due to being hurt, which now keeps me from ever returning to a job again. I haven’t been able to buy my own home, as buying your own home entails you to have a steady income and saving which is something, unfortunately, I am unable to do/have.

I always wanted to travel, but have been unable to also do due to being too sick for the last 10years.

I also spent the most part of my life listening to others rather than listening to my heart. I also put others before myself.

This has eventually lead to my accomplishments being forgotten or put on the back burner. Now I sit and think about where I am and it disappointments me

I’m almost 40 and I have achieved what I set out to achieve, so I’m making it my task to make sure my girls don’t make the same mistakes and they follow their dreams.

And if you have any dreams make sure you don’t put them off because one day you will regret what you didn’t do.

Emotionless.

I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.

Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.

Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.

Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.