My Little Singer

Last night my youngest daughter had a concert at school, it was lovely seeing my daughter up on stage doing what she loves doing and that is singing. She has such a beautiful voice. She is the shyest girl yet she looked the most comfortable up on stage.

This year I really tried to encourage her to be active in the chore, which she did. I have been so proud of her giving up her lunch break to practice with the chore (mind you, she is only 7).

She has said she wants to be a singer and I want her to follow her dream, being supportive in her endeavour will hopefully help her take one step closer to her dream.

Devastated.

This morning I had a phone call from a friend of mine it was nice to hear from someone, I don’t let a lot of people in on my life or my health, but she has been a friend for more than 30years.

It’s nice to do a good catch up, as we don’t usually talk much as life gets in the way, but we make sure to check in with a message saying “I love you” or “I miss you” every week and a phone call once a month.

She is a friend you can say anything too and feel comfortable with, well that’s what I thought. I’m so devastated. I never thought telling her something she would make fun of me for.

She asked me about my health and I had explained to her about my new condition CVG (Cutis Verticis Gyrata) and she had explained that she used to make fun of a boy in school with a scalp like mine, I said to her that’s really mean. She continued to say it was funny, I stated it’s not funny, your really mean.

Near the end of the conversation she thought it would be funny to call me the same things she use to call the boy in her school. I feel so heartbroken how can people be so cruel. I feel terrible having the condition in the first place, without people making fun of me especially the one you are meant to trust.

What do you do when people make fun?

Don’t Regret What You Didn’t Do.

I think about what I have accomplished in my life and I really haven’t accomplished a lot.

I didn’t get my dream job due to being hurt, which now keeps me from ever returning to a job again. I haven’t been able to buy my own home, as buying your own home entails you to have a steady income and saving which is something, unfortunately, I am unable to do/have.

I always wanted to travel, but have been unable to also do due to being too sick for the last 10years.

I also spent the most part of my life listening to others rather than listening to my heart. I also put others before myself.

This has eventually lead to my accomplishments being forgotten or put on the back burner. Now I sit and think about where I am and it disappointments me

I’m almost 40 and I have achieved what I set out to achieve, so I’m making it my task to make sure my girls don’t make the same mistakes and they follow their dreams.

And if you have any dreams make sure you don’t put them off because one day you will regret what you didn’t do.

Emotionless.

I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.

Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.

Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.

Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.

The Thought Of Failure

Over the last week I have been preparing for an house inspection these are my worst nightmares.

I struggle with mess and what I mean by this is I can become frustrated at the look of mess on the best of days, so having people come through my house, well, that’s another story.

I can become very OCD to the point that I will repeat what has been done multiple times and still not be happy. I get so angry and frustrated with myself for it not being perfect.

I struggle enough with myself when I don’t have a house inspection, but doing a house inspection becomes the reality of hating myself for not doing it right.

The worse feeling is the feeling of failure, yes I know it’s only an inspection, but it’s more than just that, I don’t cope well with judgment. I also don’t like to disappoint people, so there’s a lot I have going on in my mind to accomplish to be a peace.

Left Heartbroken.

Yesterday I went out to get a haircut which is something I don’t usually get done, as I can’t handle people brushing my hair, but I am in desperate need of a hair cut as my hair is died at the ends.

You know when you need a haircut when your hair becomes so hard to brush it becomes tangled and it feels stiff and looks tacky.

For someone like me going to a hairdresser comes hard as I suffer from migraines and can’t handle my hair being brushed, explaining this to someone I don’t know is not something I feel comfortable doing. So then I become very anxious about the thought of the pain which keeps me from going.

So yesterday was a big deal for me, getting the courage to go. Well, that didn’t go well, firstly, the only hairdresser I know and feel OK in only because I take my husband there was closed (just great) and another one I know because my daughter goes there was closed (hello is anyone open today seriously).

So here I am looking for another one, but I swear they all think I’m rich. I couldn’t comprehend spending $110 on a haircut. I’m not one to spend money on me, so spending that on me was not going to happen. So I came home upset I didn’t get my haircut on the only day I got the courage to do it.

One day I will get the courage again, but for now, I will have to live with what I have. Unfortunately, this is my life, doing just the simplest thing as having a haircut can be the hardest task of all.

Day With The Girls.

Yesterday I had a day out with my girls for a little retail therapy.

We had fun looking around at the shops, if my youngest one had her way she would have brought everything she set her eyes on, but what can you say she’s just like any other child.

We also sat down for a lovely lunch. It was great getting out for a day with my girls. The girls did appreciate being out as they continued to thank me when we got home. They are so sweet.

Stop Stressing, Breathe Just Breathe……

So today I’m not feeling too crash hot, but what can you do hey, keep going. I think a lot of mine is due to a lot going on at the moment, the more stress my body goes through the more my pain increases, the more my anxieties increase, and so forth.

How can you live a stress-free life it’s impossible, there are so many things you need to think about. Like, money because if you don’t have that then you can’t eat, pay your bills, or have a place to live.

Then you have the kids, you need to make sure they have all they need, keeping up with them is hard enough but we also need to, make sure you know they are doing OK, that’s a big one people miss or we forget to make sure we know about our kids. We also have partners, family and friends, so we also make sure we check in with them.

What time do we have for ourselves, making sure we are OK, making sure we take a break to look after us. Well, I know I don’t have time for that. Between looking after my family, housework, I never have time for me.

I stress myself out to the max, thinking of everything I need to do, plus trying to get myself better, it’s near impossible to do.

Oh, The Pain.

Last night was one of those nights when you can’t sleep because you’re in such excruciating pain that no matter which way you lay you can’t get comfortable.

It’s been really frustrating since losing my pain specialist and physiotherapist. The pain is getting unbearable. It makes me feel nauseous all the time.

I’m currently waiting to see new specialists to get more investigations done to find out what’s going on, but waiting for these specialists is like waiting for washing to dry in winter. In the meanwhile, I just have to suck up the pain and keep moving forward.

Hopefully, soon enough I will get some answers and help.

Fearing People.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Something I struggle with a lot in life is being social. Talking to people is hard for me to do, I fear what they are going to think about me. I fear about making a fool of myself. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get past the fear.

I know that my fear stints from past experiences with people, I know not everyone is the same, but I, unfortunately, have only been met with bad in most cases.

My fear stints so far as I’m even finding it hard to be on social media, I love doing my blog and so passionate about what I do, but I struggle to connect with others. As much as I love reading others blogs I just can’t push myself to comment, sometimes I may be able to make a small comment after fighting with myself one hundred times to get it out, but I try to just like so people see I do care.

It’s hard living in fear of people, it’s also very lonely. I have worked to try and combat my fears, but as quickly as I open my door the quicker is closers. This fear is not one I would wish upon my worse enemy.