Depriving Myself.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

All my life I have struggled with putting myself first. When I think about how much I actually fail to give myself, it’s quite sad to think. I wonder how many other’s deprive themselves of the love and care as much as I do?

I am so bad at caring for me that, I am lucky to go and get myself to a hairdresser to cut my hair once a year. I wait for my clothes to literary fall off before I buy new ones.

I find it hard to spend money on myself due to feeling like there are more important things than me. Not feeling worthy enough, or like I’m wasting money. The feeling I have when I spend is not nice, I get so angry with myself.

I would rather spend money on my children or others. making others happy makes me happy. How many of you do this? Or am I the only one?

Thanks for reading!

Forgiveness

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Forgiveness is one subject that is one I find hard to do, I know they say forgiveness is an important part of healing, but my answer is always how do you forgive someone who came into your life only to destroy all your self-worth.

Is forgiveness really that important in healing? I haven’t forgiven my rapists and never will, I’m where I am today due to what they did to me, to forgive them for taking my self-worth, my trust for people, my soul, how could I?

Then I think how many times do you need to forgive someone before enough is enough, even if they are family, we all deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.

Forgiveness is a hard thing for anyone to do, but for me, it’s one thing I don’t believe I would ever do. If you do then I congratulate you because you are a far better person than me.

73 Questions About Me: A Vogue Parody

I had the honour of being nominated for this fun challenge by
 THECHRONICALLYUNIMAGINABLE. I am so honoured that you thought of me for this challenge. Let’s get onto answering those questions, shall we? (The rules are found below my answers.)

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The Challenge Begins:

1. What is your usual Starbucks order? I don’t have a Starbucks near where I live, If I go out for a coffee I usually get a White chocolate latte.

2. What does your work station look like right now? I do my work from my lounge as I am unable to sit at a chair even the lounge is not so comfortable but it’s less painful than a chair.

3. All-time favourite food? My favourite food would have to be natural Yoghurt with oats and fresh fruit.

4. Favourite Author? I don’t have a favourite author I just like someone who writes a good story.

5. What do you think of open relationships? I don’t like an open relationship, but each to their own.

6. What is your favourite video game? The all-time super Mario Bros would be my favourite without a doubt.

7. Guilty Pleasure treat? Anything Chocolate.

8. Favourite Movie? My favourite movie is, Well I have two and they are Beaches and Dirty Dancing.

9. Favourite book? I, unfortunately, don’t have one.

10. Twitter or Instagram? I would have to go Twitter.

11. Desktop or laptop? I would have to go Laptop, as I work from the couch, but if I could work at a desk I would use a desktop.

12. Best advice you’ve ever received? I would have to say the best advice was “if I don’t do things for me who else will!” and “Fight for what you want”

13. What project are you working on right now? I’m just working on my blog for now.

14. Favorite color?Blue

15. Did you get good grades at school? Yes

16. Dream job? If I could work, I would be a Paramedic. But I when I think about it I think what I do now is what I am meant to do.

17. Played any sports? I played all sports, netball, softball, football(AFL), shot put, discus, Athletics, hockey. I was very sporty.

18. Do you have a degree? I have Certificates, I had to leave my Degree as my health got in the way.

19. Nationality? Australian

20. What is your favourite kind of blog post to do? The ones that make a difference to someone.

21. What do you like to collect? I like to collect Disney Tsum Tsum

22. Describe yourself in three words? Caring, Strong, and Stubborn

23. If you were a rapper what would your rapper name be? I wouldn’t know I get tongue-tied just trying to copy any haha.

24. Who was the last person you DM’d? No one

25. What is on the top of your wish list right now? To own my own home.

26. Sorting house? I am a Hufflepuff!

27. How many tattoos do you have? 3 I have a Tiger with my daughter name on my shoulder blade, I have a rose on my ankle, and Sunflower with words you are my shine as the stem.

28. What are you most grateful for this year? I’m grateful for my family and being able to do my blog and meeting people through my blog.

29. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this month? Being nominated by awesome people it means the world.

30. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today? Working on this blog makes my day.

31. What’s the best thing ever? Having my children

32. Favorite season? Spring

33. Favourite fictional animal? Unicorn

34. What fictional character do you relate to the most? Belle, as she was a generous person, and saw people for who they are and not what they looked like, just like me.

35. Do you like surprises? I can’t handle surprises, my anxiety goes through the roof.

36. What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? I haven’t had any big surprises Yet touch wood.

37. What’s the surprise that made you cry? Anything nice for someone.

38. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever given someone? I hope I give everyone their best surprise.

39. Do you like muffins? Blueberry muffins are the best.

40. Do you cook often? Not so much, as the pain is too much to stand to cook.

41. What’s your favourite dessert? Cheese cake.

42. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Black Forrest.

43. Cake or pie? Cake for sure

44. What’s your least favorite food? Brussels sprouts yuck

45. What’s your favorite condiment? Ranch.

46. It’s 4 A.M. on a Saturday night, what would you eat? Nothing I don’t like to eat in the middle of the night, but would love a coffee.

47. If you could teach a college class what would it be called? Listen Up.

48. Best animated film? Winnie The Pooh

49. What has a guy (or girl) done or said to impress you? Been told I was very sweet which is always nice.

50. The best thing to do on a date? Sit on a beach and watch the sunset just beautiful.

51. The worst thing to do on a date? Be on your phone.

52. What is the funniest pick-up line a guy/girl could use on a girl/guy? Do you see that light, because I see an angel just walked in! OMG, seriously guys.

53.  Best comic book character? Spider-man.

54. What are three things that are always in your purse? Phone, Inhaler and Bank Card.

55. Favorite drink? I just like a good coffee and plain water.

56. If you could play a historical character who would it be? not sure about this one.

57. Kittens or puppies? puppies for sure.

58. Favourite sushi roll? sorry, no sushi for this girl not a fan of all.

59. What kind of lipstick do you use? I don’t wear makeup.

60. What kind of foundation do you use? None.

61. Blow dry or air dry? I air dry my hair

62. Who is your fashion icon? I love the 90s. But someone who looked great was Marilyn Monroe for sure she would be my icon.

63. Favourite Disney character? I have so many I love all things Disney it’s hard to pick one, but I would have to go Goofy.

64. What are you doing tomorrow? Not sure I take every day as it comes.

65. Movie you laughed the hardest through? Anything with Rebel Wilson.

66. A movie that made you cry? A Dog’s Purpose.

67. If you could sing a duet with someone who would it be? Pink, just love her she is so grounded.

68. If your life were a song what would the title be? Stronger.

69. Favourite animal? Tigers, they are calm, but you push them they won’t put up with it. What I have learnt to do.

70. Favourite illustrator? I honestly don’t know any illustrators.

71. The person you want to have coffee with? I enjoy having coffee with anyone, so I don’t have a person in mind.

72. What’s the country you wish to visit? Anywhere I have never been lucky enough to leave my country so I would be happy anywhere.

73. Best ways to decompress? I love being at the beach that’s my best way.

The Rules:

For this challenge, you must answer the same questions that I did. You also need to nominate 12 people to complete the challenge as well. Make sure you notify your nominees.  Please note that there is no rush to complete this. I know that many of you are dealing with health challenges, so please take as much time as you need!

Weight Battle

Hope everyone is doing OK.

This is one subject that I didn’t want to talk about, but one I think is going to be one I will be talking about in the future. So I thought I would give you a background to where it all started and why and that is my weight.

I have battled with my weight for a long time now and it’s due to a lot of different reasons. I don’t talk about my weight with anyone as I am embarrassed, I hate the way I look.

There are many things that contributed to me struggling with my weight they come from being dieted as a teenager, even when I wasn’t big. Which eventually grew to hatred for me.

For me, I turned to food for comfort when I was in a depressed state, even though I knew how bad it was for me.

I have always been told I was fat and still are, even worse these are people who are supposed to look after your health not criticize it and they are my doctors. If it’s not my Mental Health they blame it’s my weight. It has got to the point now that they are saying the only way to fix all my health issues is weightloss surgery.

This is one surgery I did not want to do as my mum did this surgery 7 years ago now and yes she has lost the weight, but I saw the struggles she went through I know it’s not easy. It’s a massive lifestyle change, but they say it’s my life or the weight. What do I say? Of course, it’s going to be my life, I just hope they are right.

This is my last hope in getting better, just hope these doctors and specialists are right. Wish me luck!

Pain

Hope everyone is feeling OK.

Living with Chronic Pain is extremely hard to deal with, constant trial and error of different medications to calm the intensity of the pain. All the different natural avenue you try to help the pain like:

  • Acupuncturist
  • Natural-path
  • Osteopathy
  • Hydrotherapy
  • Physiotherapy
  • Psychologist

Or to having a more invasive treatment like Botox, which is not comfortable nor fun.

Then Specialists after Specialists who just throw their arms up when they don’t know what else to do.

Hope for the pain to settle for just one moment in time just goes away when they all give up on you. It’s hard to express the feeling I have because there are so many happening at once. I know what I have has no cure, but relief for just one day would be the ultimate goal, I will never let it win.

It Will Be OK

I lie here awake,

Awoken from a dream,

I see me in Africa,

I see a lion stare,

Is he telling me something,

Be brave like me,

You will be OK,

Thanks Mr lion ?

The Waiting Game.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Over the last few months, my health has taken a turn for the worse. Here’s what’s been happening:

  • I have been struggling with my migraines, my medications don’t seem to calm them down. Nothing seems to be able to settle them.
  • I was also recently diagnosed with Tinnitus (which is ringing in the ears), but they are unable to explain where they come from as my hearing is normal. The Tinnitus does effect me hearing certain pitches, which is very frustrating.
  • My eyesight has become a lot worse. The optometrist cannot explain what is wrong with it even after a field test.
  • I also have a left facial droop which is becoming worse, my cheek has become sunken and has minimal movement.
  • I also tilt to the left side.

I have expressed these changes to my GP for the last few months, but they just blame my Mental Health for the issues instead of looking at the changes. After getting my eyes tested and my ears checked and diagnosed the Doctor listened and finally ordered MRI scans to see if they can find anything. Now it’s time to wait. Here’s hoping there’s nothing sinister.

Roblox Warning!

This is one post that I wasn’t going to post, but I think is important. This one is hard for me to write, but I want people out there to be aware of what their kids are doing and how it could affect others.

Over the last few months, I have noticed a change in my 7-year old’s behaviour she has become quite angry and aggressive towards us. It’s not her usual behaviour to do this especially towards me.

Over the last few weeks, it’s become worse to the point where she is saying things like “She hates herself”. and if we say no to her she will say things like “You just want me to die”. This has lead us to seek medical help for her as we are scared for her welfare.

After talking through her emotions we worked out her problems have arisen from a game she has been playing. In the game, she stated that if she doesn’t look a certain way they call her “UGLY”, and they have said she should “GO AND DIE”.

The game I am talking about is ROBLOX.

On this game, the kids can be cruel. We have tried deleting this game, but our daughter gets angry and quite violent, so my husband will play it with her, and when they are mean he removes her from the game and reports the user, but our daughter still gets back on there, even getting up early and playing. This game is like an addition to kids.

We didn’t know how this would affect her. We are devastated about what it’s done. I wanted to share my story to let others know what this game is doing to children. What the effects of what they say can effect someone’s mind.

I couldn’t imagine losing my daughter. I know we have a long process of changing her mind process, but I’m grateful we worked it out now before it was too late.

To other’s out there with kids on this game please be aware of what they are doing and their Mental Health.

My Fun Place

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Yesterday I decided to have a day with the family for a day of fun. So the best place I decided to go was the best place I know we can have fun and all be kids including me. Also a place I feel like I can just be anyone and not be judged.

This place is Warner Bros Movie World. My favourite place to have fun along with my favourite Looney Tunes. These are characters I grew up watching. To spend the day with them makes me feel like a kid when you have no worries, no stress, no anxieties.

Watching my children have just as much fun with them as I do makes me happy. Just taking one day out makes a world of difference. It’s a big push for me to get out of the house, but I know it’s worth it in the end.

When I’m struggling with my mind I always try my favourite place to get myself better, or my family I love to make me happy. These things are important to do, these are what keep us here. If you feel low think of your favourite place, music, or people and do something with either one of them that makes you happy.

Tips Time

How is everyone doing? If your doing good awesome, if your not then that’s OK because your not alone, I’m not doing the best either and that’s OK. We all have these days or sometimes these weeks if your like me, but I’m trying to get there.

I thought I would let you in on some ideas of mine that I have done to keep my mind from spiralling further and these are:

  • Relaxing – taking time for you is important.
  • Listening to music
  • Watching movies
  • Drawing
  • Taking a walk / Drive (fresh air does the world of good)
  • Go to the beach
  • Alone time – if that’s what you like.

I also booked to see my Physio as my pain has become unbearable as needs some relief from that. I also booked to see Doctor. These are things I have chosen to do as I know as I need my pain controlled more and my health has deteriorated and need medical intervention can’t seem to shrug this flu. Usually, these tips and tricks work with a few days of fun with the family. Hopefully, things will pick up soon.

Hope these tips will help. If you have any you would like to share I would love to hear them.