Can You Protect Too Much?

When I was 21 I got married for the first time this marriage was violent which I have gone through in a previous blog, but I wanted to share how being in a relationship like this has made me be to my children after being in a marriage like that.

What I mean by that is, I am so much more protective over my children, I find it difficult to stand by and let people hurt them. This then plays havoc on my mental health.

After going through this marriage it made me struggle to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t protect my child from the violence her father inflicted on her. Something I will forever live with, but I protect my children from people who inflict pain or hurt now.

It opens your eyes to what’s important, but the guilt you carry is incredible. I know that we make choices in our lives that lead us to either a good or bad path and we have to live them life choices. As I have heard many times we make the choice at the time believing it was the right choice at the time, but you do carry the guilt.

Changing who I am to protect who I love has come from the choices I have made wrong, and not having people protect me makes me do it even more. I know I didn’t make the choice to be in the situation, but I still blame myself for staying too long, but I’m so grateful I got out.

What’s your thoughts? Can you protect too much?

Strategies

As I sit here thinking of what to write, I’m listening to music oh how I love my 90’s music. I really loved living in the ’90s actually, the fashion was great, no social media, not many technologies well that I could afford haha. This time for me was definitely less stressful for me.

When I write about these it makes me think of how over time I have found strategies to help with my Anxieties, Mental Health and Chronic Pain as some days can be very hard to get through. I would like to share some of the strategies that help me when I’m not coping. Here are some of the strategies that help me:

Music: finding my favourite music has helped to calm my mind. Arts and Crafts: This has helped me in keeping my mind busy. Garden/Beach: Just sitting or walking in a garden or at the beach helps me clear my mind. It helps get me out of the house and in the fresh air. Take a Drive: Sometimes for me just taking a simple drive on my own makes a world of difference having a change of scenery and quiet time to myself works wonders. Meditating: This works wonders for the mind to settle, but can be extremely hard to do if your mind doesn’t settle. I usually go to the beach or my quiet place where I feel at peace and do my deep breathing exercises. Drawing: This is one thing I love to do to keep my mind busy. Photography: I love to take photos, so I find this keeps my mind busy too. Walk/Run/Exercise: Go for a walk or run. Seem to make me feel good. (Not that I run, but I do walk hehe.) Any exercise makes me feel good.

Over the years I have found giving myself time and treating myself with kindness helps. Knowing that having a bad day is OK, and not to be too hard on me. I hope some of these strategies help provide some help and maybe some new favourite activities to do, as I have found while trying to find ways to keep me going forward.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a favourite decade? Which music genre helps you feel less stressed? Do you have activities that keep you going?

Mother’s Day without My Mother

As we all know yesterday was Mother’s day, hope all you deserving mothers got spoilt rotten and had a wonderful day. I sure did by my husband and children.

This has been my second year I haven’t spent Mother’s Day without my mother, and it was nice. I know you may be thinking “What do you mean by nice, it’s your mother?” Well, I say nice because I could be me. When I say this I mean by not being someone I’m not just to make my mother happy.

Every Mother’s day I felt like I had to pretend to be grateful that she was my mother when I wasn’t. I had to wait on her hand and foot, something I always did even when it wasn’t Mother’s day. It was nice just to be me for once, every year I have been knocked to the ground feeling like I was worthless and unloved. I could never enjoy the day with my family because I was always at the bottom of my hole because I felt so down. Now I don’t have to feel like that.

Not having a mother is very difficult, but it is one I had to do. If you have a mother that is good to you please treasure her and everything she does because they are one in a million.

Protecting My Children.

Living with Anxiety is hard, but protecting my children from the same anxieties and social issues I grew to have was important not pass on to them. It’s been so hard bring up my children opposite to how I feel about people to protect them from how I live, so they don’t end up like me.

Letting go of them when they had to go to school was hard for me, as I don’t have trust in people, but I had to let go of that for them to go to school. Taking them to school is extremely hard as I struggle with people I have to face, but fighting through that every day to show them how important school and socialization is, is the most important part.

I am so proud to say that pushing through my hardest to get my children through their schooling has now seeing my oldest child graduating year 12 this year and I couldn’t be anymore prouder.

Teaching them trust and keeping it by doing as I always promised, if I couldn’t do things I told them. I am honest with them, something people were never with me. I try to give them as much love as I can and be there for them whenever they need me.

I have had to put all my feeling aside to help them, they do know I suffer they do see I have some really hard days and help me get through them. It’s not easy having your children see you at your breaking point, but they are why I am here.

Giving my children the life I didn’t get was most important to me to do, I didn’t want to be like my mother. I wanted my children to know how much they are loved and wanted. How proud of them I am. They are my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Question of the Day

Lately I have seen this question asked a lot and that is:

“If you had a magic wand and could go back and change your past, would you go back and change it or leave it the same?”

When seeing this question I answer this with a Strong NO, and the reason I answer this with a No is I wouldn’t be The strong-willed person I am today if I didn’t go through what I did. I wouldn’t have been able to teach my children how to be strong, independent girls/woman they are today.

I have also taught my children to follow their dreams as life can change in the blink of an eye and enjoy every moment you have. I have taught them what love is, something that wasn’t taught to me. So when I see this question I could never say anything else, but no.

I struggle every day with my demons, I also struggle every day in pain, but I couldn’t have been able to fight my battles without realising my strengths. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, I wouldn’t want to go through it all over again, but I can’t ever change what happened to me I can only learn to move forward.

At the end of the day I’m just grateful that I could use my knowledge to teach my children.

What’s your thoughts on this question? Would you change your past?

Question?

One question I ask myself all the time is how am I not selfish? I know it’s weird to say, but I wonder this as going through so much trauma in my life people have been selfless when it came to how I felt, so how is it that over these years I am still not selfish?

I ask myself, is it the fear of losing people I do all I can to not lose them? But then I do all I can for my children and know I’m not going to lose them. Is it just because I know what it feels like to hurt from peoples selflessness that I can’t bring myself to hurt others?

I think how do I still think about others feelings when mine were destroyed? How did I not become mean? I don’t forgive anyone for what they did to me and sure haven’t forgotten, I have chosen to put it in a hidden part of my brain so I don’t have to think about it. People always say to forgive and forget, but there are defiantly things in your life you can’t forgive and forget.

I’m grateful I didn’t turn mean or selfish. How did you turn out after trauma?

The Dreaded Quotes

I wanted to talk about things that I can’t handle people saying when you are struggling. The quotes people say that don’t help when you feel so down and feel like there’s no hope. These quotes drive me insane. If only these people could put themselves in our shoes for one day they wouldn’t say them.

These quotes I’m talking about are :

“Take deep breaths” “Take one step at a time” “Don’t dwell on the past” “Don’t think so much” “Keep your chin up” “Tomorrow’s another day”

Seriously do they really think we want to dwell on the past, my past is what got me in this situation! Every step I take is a massive achievement for me, do they not think I would appreciate every step I take. People really need to think about what they say before saying anything. It doesn’t help when we are at our weakest point. We need positivity. Think about what you say before saying anything, it can make a huge difference to someone’s mental wellbeing.

Letting Go……

The hardest decision I had to make was letting go of my parents. This was a decision that didn’t come easy, it came from a long and tiring battle, A battle, in the end, I knew I would never win.

Here’s my story:

As a child I grew up always fighting for the attention of my parents, especially my mother, I remember her sitting on the recliner with the dog on her lap. I would always want to sit on her lap, but the dog would have first preference, so I would have to kneel on the floor next to her chair. Well, that would turn out for the worse as the dog would then attack me and she would just laugh, (who does that to a child) so then I would leave. (anyone would if they were bitten by a dog).

My brother and I use to get into arguments as siblings do, but it would turn violent with him always hitting me, of course to my mother it was my fault I shouldn’t have got him angry. He could never do wrong in her eyes. I remember laying on the floor after being hit so hard in the back I couldn’t get up and her saying I deserved it. No help, no nothing.

As I got to my adulthood work became first preference, whenever I needed her she would say sorry got to go to work. One occasion I was going into surgery and she couldn’t take time off work when she knew how much I wanted her there, she also didn’t ring day of surgery or after to see how I went.

There are so many more stories I could tell you, but I would be here forever, I chose at the end of the day to let go as I was fighting a no-win battle, I watched her do the same things to my children as she did me. The one person in your life who you are supposed to trust and is meant to teach you love didn’t do that for me, I only do what I believe is right for my children, I have the closest bond with my children and without them, I wouldn’t be where in am today.

I will never understand why I wasn’t loved by my own parents, but I am loved by my own children and that’s the best thing I could have ever asked for. If you are loved by your parents cherish every moment because you are very lucky. I don’t see myself as unlucky, as I have all the love I have ever needed in my beautiful children and I cherish that.

Social Anxiety for Me

I wanted to give you an insight into my life with living with Social Anxiety. Having this has made me an introvert. It’s a very lonely world to live in. It’s not that I don’t like people it’s I fear them. The thought of having to talk to a stranger is scary, it’s almost impossible to do without having a freakout. I try to avoid new situations at all costs, but if it’s impossible to avoid a freak out for me would consist of me:

Having full body shakes, Biting the inside of my mouth, Sweating palms, Stuttering, Not being able to talk a full sentence properly, Not sleeping the night before, Get agitated, Feeling sick, Heart rate racing, Face feeling hot.

Having a freak out can be sometimes scary this is why I try to avoid situations. I have worked many years to try to overcome my Social Anxiety, it is one that is very hard to accomplish, but I have learnt to have one of my family members with me when I get into an avoidable situation which helps lessen the freakouts.

Social Anxiety is one of my hardest Mental health illnesses to deal with as it’s so lonely and hard to express.

I’m Just Like You

I would love to sit here and write how there are ways to fix the way you feel, and how to stop all the thoughts you get. I would love to tell you there’s a magic pill to take all this away. The reality is it’s not easy, there is no magic pill. It’s hard, it’s stressful. It takes you on a roller coast of emotions.

I can’t sit here and tell you I’m perfect in any way and that I’m healed because I’m far from that. I have my bad days just like anyone else. I struggle just like anyone else. I have triggers that set me off. I wish there was a magic pill out there that would rid us of all the pain and sorrow, but I know there isn’t.

I don’t want to be a preacher to all because I know myself how hard living with MH is. I write to show I’m just like everyone else, I have my own struggles, I beat my own demons. I write to help others understand our illness in its raw form. I share my experiences and how I got to where I am today.