You know when you need to be strong for others, but inside your fighting so hard to keep your own demons at bay. That’s exactly how I feel.
I’m trying so hard to stay strong for others around me, but I can feel myself falling apart at the seems.
How do you tell people that you aren’t coping when your their only support?
This world can be so cruel. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away, and or shut yourself up. But who does it help in the end?
Got to keep fighting, one foot in front of another.
These last few days I have had some much needed R & R and boy did I need this.
I have spent the most part of my life living with Mental illness.
Over the years I have spent many days trying to learn how to cope with the ups and downs you go through.
My word it’s hard, there are so many ups and downs that you endure on your journey, but it’s apart of living with these conditions.
There is no cure for what we have, but pure strength and willpower. Every day is a learning curve, but it’s definitely a fight worth fighting.
I will never sit here and tell anyone it’s easy because it’s far from that. I can never tell you that you will be cured, but I will tell you it does get better with practice.
I am just like everyone suffering, I too have bad days, but I’m still here fighting the same battle I did back then, but it’s ok and I’m ok with that.
This is what makes me ME. Except who you are and you will be ok.
I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.
Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.
Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.
Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.
Yesterday I went out to get a haircut which is something I don’t usually get done, as I can’t handle people brushing my hair, but I am in desperate need of a hair cut as my hair is died at the ends.
You know when you need a haircut when your hair becomes so hard to brush it becomes tangled and it feels stiff and looks tacky.
For someone like me going to a hairdresser comes hard as I suffer from migraines and can’t handle my hair being brushed, explaining this to someone I don’t know is not something I feel comfortable doing. So then I become very anxious about the thought of the pain which keeps me from going.
So yesterday was a big deal for me, getting the courage to go. Well, that didn’t go well, firstly, the only hairdresser I know and feel OK in only because I take my husband there was closed (just great) and another one I know because my daughter goes there was closed (hello is anyone open today seriously).
So here I am looking for another one, but I swear they all think I’m rich. I couldn’t comprehend spending $110 on a haircut. I’m not one to spend money on me, so spending that on me was not going to happen. So I came home upset I didn’t get my haircut on the only day I got the courage to do it.
One day I will get the courage again, but for now, I will have to live with what I have. Unfortunately, this is my life, doing just the simplest thing as having a haircut can be the hardest task of all.
So today I’m not feeling too crash hot, but what can you do hey, keep going. I think a lot of mine is due to a lot going on at the moment, the more stress my body goes through the more my pain increases, the more my anxieties increase, and so forth.
How can you live a stress-free life it’s impossible, there are so many things you need to think about. Like, money because if you don’t have that then you can’t eat, pay your bills, or have a place to live.
Then you have the kids, you need to make sure they have all they need, keeping up with them is hard enough but we also need to, make sure you know they are doing OK, that’s a big one people miss or we forget to make sure we know about our kids. We also have partners, family and friends, so we also make sure we check in with them.
What time do we have for ourselves, making sure we are OK, making sure we take a break to look after us. Well, I know I don’t have time for that. Between looking after my family, housework, I never have time for me.
I stress myself out to the max, thinking of everything I need to do, plus trying to get myself better, it’s near impossible to do.
I hope everyone is doing OK.
Over the last week mentally I have been struggling, not only with my new diagnosis but just in general. Between going to doctors appointments and life, I have just hit a brick wall. When I get this point in my life I hit struggle street, what do I mean by struggle you ask.
Well, when I talk about a struggle, I talk about tasks. These tasks are near impossible to do, without a struggle. I fight my inner demons to do the simplest of tasks. if I don’t complete these tasks my inner demon becomes worse and I feel like it’s defeated me.
I still don’t understand why these tasks are so hard to accomplish when I’m in my hour of need. Why my mind feels the need to make me feel even worse than I already do, but it’s just the way the mind works.
I thought I would share some of my impossible tasks with you all so here we go:
- brushing my teeth
- brushing my hair
- answering the phone
- getting out of bed
- getting dressed
Tasks like these are everyday tasks, but for someone like me when I’m at my lowest become the hardest tasks of my life. No matter how much you know you need to do it it’s just not possible to do. Unfortunately, this is part of my illness, but I wanted to share my struggle.
Today I wanted to share an insight into a day that can go wrong for me. It starts off really good, by getting up happy, after a good sleep. Getting in the shower, getting dressed. Then I will be late and my battle for an appointment then it will start from there.
I get frustrated with myself, well when I’m frustrated my ears ring very loud, this is due to having tinnitus, Then my head starts hurting, but I have to go shopping , but going into the shops the noise gets overpowering. My anxiety kicks in, but I know I have to push myself to get some food, but then I know I’m getting more frustrated about being there. This is when I can’t think anymore, then I just get out of there.
When I finally get home I’m so frustrated with myself, I can’t handle anyone talking to me. I hate myself for not getting what needed to be done. And I have ended the day with a massive migraine, my ears won’t stop ringing. I’m feeling sick. Now I have thrown myself in bed because I can’t handle it anymore.
The next day after having a day go wrong I feel down and can’t get myself to do anything. Sometimes it can take me one to two days to get over a bad day. It’s due to being frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to accomplish what was needed. This is just the way of my mind works.
Today I wanted to share a difficult task. The difficult task of getting out of bed, the difficult task of getting in the shower, the difficult task of getting dressed, going out, or it may be as simple as making a phone call, that can be the biggest challenge of your life.
For me there are many tasks that are difficult they are having a shower, it’s not that I don’t want one, for me it’s painful to have one and it makes me sick, so the thought of how I will feel when I’m in there and after stops me from getting in.
My biggest and the worse task is phone calls, I struggle to overcome this. I cannot answer the phone unless I know who it is, even then sometimes if I don’t feel like talking I won’t answer. I also struggle to make phone calls, due to fear of people.
Over time I have put in some different strategies together to help me cope, these are by having appointments texted messaged, emailed or a message left on my message bank. Having my husband make the phone call for me helps by not getting myself all worked up. If I’m having the difficult time of not being able to get in the shower, I just push myself to get dressed, at least to have accomplished one of my tasks I don’t feel like I have failed.
Everyone impossible tasks are different, the challenge to complete these tasks are extremely hard, and frustrating and one of the worse parts to MH.
Just remember, if you get up you have achieved one accomplishment for the day and be proud of your self for that.