These last few days I have had some much needed R & R and boy did I need this.
I have spent the most part of my life living with Mental illness.
Over the years I have spent many days trying to learn how to cope with the ups and downs you go through.
My word it’s hard, there are so many ups and downs that you endure on your journey, but it’s apart of living with these conditions.
There is no cure for what we have, but pure strength and willpower. Every day is a learning curve, but it’s definitely a fight worth fighting.
I will never sit here and tell anyone it’s easy because it’s far from that. I can never tell you that you will be cured, but I will tell you it does get better with practice.
I am just like everyone suffering, I too have bad days, but I’m still here fighting the same battle I did back then, but it’s ok and I’m ok with that.
This is what makes me ME. Except who you are and you will be ok.
I find myself waking up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck, every muscle in my body was sore. I must have had one of those nights when you toss and turn so much as though you had been fighting your night away.
I have spent years learning to not let things bother me and stand up for myself. Why I have let things get to me is not like me.
I kick myself for letting others bother me. I need to follow my heart and what I believe in.
This morning I had a phone call from a friend of mine it was nice to hear from someone, I don’t let a lot of people in on my life or my health, but she has been a friend for more than 30years.
It’s nice to do a good catch up, as we don’t usually talk much as life gets in the way, but we make sure to check in with a message saying “I love you” or “I miss you” every week and a phone call once a month.
She is a friend you can say anything too and feel comfortable with, well that’s what I thought. I’m so devastated. I never thought telling her something she would make fun of me for.
She asked me about my health and I had explained to her about my new condition CVG (Cutis Verticis Gyrata) and she had explained that she used to make fun of a boy in school with a scalp like mine, I said to her that’s really mean. She continued to say it was funny, I stated it’s not funny, your really mean.
Near the end of the conversation she thought it would be funny to call me the same things she use to call the boy in her school. I feel so heartbroken how can people be so cruel. I feel terrible having the condition in the first place, without people making fun of me especially the one you are meant to trust.
What do you do when people make fun?
I think about what I have accomplished in my life and I really haven’t accomplished a lot.
I didn’t get my dream job due to being hurt, which now keeps me from ever returning to a job again. I haven’t been able to buy my own home, as buying your own home entails you to have a steady income and saving which is something, unfortunately, I am unable to do/have.
I always wanted to travel, but have been unable to also do due to being too sick for the last 10years.
I also spent the most part of my life listening to others rather than listening to my heart. I also put others before myself.
This has eventually lead to my accomplishments being forgotten or put on the back burner. Now I sit and think about where I am and it disappointments me
I’m almost 40 and I have achieved what I set out to achieve, so I’m making it my task to make sure my girls don’t make the same mistakes and they follow their dreams.
And if you have any dreams make sure you don’t put them off because one day you will regret what you didn’t do.
I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.
Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.
Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.
Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.
Over the last week I have been preparing for an house inspection these are my worst nightmares.
I struggle with mess and what I mean by this is I can become frustrated at the look of mess on the best of days, so having people come through my house, well, that’s another story.
I can become very OCD to the point that I will repeat what has been done multiple times and still not be happy. I get so angry and frustrated with myself for it not being perfect.
I struggle enough with myself when I don’t have a house inspection, but doing a house inspection becomes the reality of hating myself for not doing it right.
The worse feeling is the feeling of failure, yes I know it’s only an inspection, but it’s more than just that, I don’t cope well with judgment. I also don’t like to disappoint people, so there’s a lot I have going on in my mind to accomplish to be a peace.
So today I’m not feeling too crash hot, but what can you do hey, keep going. I think a lot of mine is due to a lot going on at the moment, the more stress my body goes through the more my pain increases, the more my anxieties increase, and so forth.
How can you live a stress-free life it’s impossible, there are so many things you need to think about. Like, money because if you don’t have that then you can’t eat, pay your bills, or have a place to live.
Then you have the kids, you need to make sure they have all they need, keeping up with them is hard enough but we also need to, make sure you know they are doing OK, that’s a big one people miss or we forget to make sure we know about our kids. We also have partners, family and friends, so we also make sure we check in with them.
What time do we have for ourselves, making sure we are OK, making sure we take a break to look after us. Well, I know I don’t have time for that. Between looking after my family, housework, I never have time for me.
I stress myself out to the max, thinking of everything I need to do, plus trying to get myself better, it’s near impossible to do.
Last night was one of those nights when you can’t sleep because you’re in such excruciating pain that no matter which way you lay you can’t get comfortable.
It’s been really frustrating since losing my pain specialist and physiotherapist. The pain is getting unbearable. It makes me feel nauseous all the time.
I’m currently waiting to see new specialists to get more investigations done to find out what’s going on, but waiting for these specialists is like waiting for washing to dry in winter. In the meanwhile, I just have to suck up the pain and keep moving forward.
Hopefully, soon enough I will get some answers and help.
I hope everyone is doing OK.
I wanted to share with you all another love of mine, he is a big part of my life, he keeps me company, he loves me unconditionally, he wakes me when I’m having a turn, he comforts me when I’m feeling my worse, he is my companion and best friend, he is my dog, Buddy.
Without him in my life I would be lonely, he keeps me company when no ones home. At night some times, I have these turns I don’t know what they are, but he wakes me up by licking me. I know I have had a turn because I have a left facial droop when I get up from one.
He means the world to me. He helps in every aspect of my life, I’m so lucky to have him, he is the most patient and the calmest dog you could ask for.
Pets can be a great help in coping. If you have a pet I would love to hear?
I hope everyone is doing OK.
Over the last week mentally I have been struggling, not only with my new diagnosis but just in general. Between going to doctors appointments and life, I have just hit a brick wall. When I get this point in my life I hit struggle street, what do I mean by struggle you ask.
Well, when I talk about a struggle, I talk about tasks. These tasks are near impossible to do, without a struggle. I fight my inner demons to do the simplest of tasks. if I don’t complete these tasks my inner demon becomes worse and I feel like it’s defeated me.
I still don’t understand why these tasks are so hard to accomplish when I’m in my hour of need. Why my mind feels the need to make me feel even worse than I already do, but it’s just the way the mind works.
I thought I would share some of my impossible tasks with you all so here we go:
- brushing my teeth
- brushing my hair
- answering the phone
- getting out of bed
- getting dressed
Tasks like these are everyday tasks, but for someone like me when I’m at my lowest become the hardest tasks of my life. No matter how much you know you need to do it it’s just not possible to do. Unfortunately, this is part of my illness, but I wanted to share my struggle.