Depression can be a viscous circle. You work so hard to keep your head out of the deep dark hole, to keep those demons at bay. Yet it takes one thing to trigger our thoughts and emotions.
You learn over time how to not let everything get to you or at least trigger your emotions off, but there become points in time where there are an overwhelming amount of different things happening all at once.
When these times happen it sends us into this painful spiral of emotions that you can’t control. You become so numb to the world, because the emotions are so overwhelming.
You can’t concentrate, you can’t think, you don’t know how to feel. You have these thoughts in your head of what the point of fighting is.
You know that it’s all because things have become too much to take in, but the constant fights become harder and harder even though you know how to fight.
It’s not easy fighting the endless battle, but this is the life of depression.
Anxiety is that mechanism is your brain called fear, but amplified 100 times more.
It’s that fear of judgement the moment you leave your house wondering if your going to have to talk to people you don’t know or see someone you don’t want to see.
The constant fear of the what if’s, what if this happens or what if that happens that consumes you whole.
The constant fear of having to face people wandering if they are looking at you because of the way you look or wandering if they are talking about you.
No matter how hard you try to ignore the fear it finds it way to consume you.
This is what anxiety feels like to me.
Some parents hate the thought of school holidays, but I pine for these times. I miss the kids when they are not around.
They give me the reason to keep moving every day. They bring me back to my childhood the one I missed.
With the I can be myself, the more goofy I am the happier they are. They keep me feeling young and full of life.
For those parents who dread these times of the year the miss the best time of your life, and your kids definitely miss it.
Can’t wait to next week for the school holidays to start. Bring on the goofing around.
Over the last week I have been finding it really hard to push through. When I get like this I do things that make me happy to push me through, but I can’t seem to get past one thing.
I know that I shouldn’t let things get on top of me as it just makes my mind take over, but sometimes no matter how hard you try some just play on your mind longer than others.
This morning I had a phone call from a friend of mine it was nice to hear from someone, I don’t let a lot of people in on my life or my health, but she has been a friend for more than 30years.
It’s nice to do a good catch up, as we don’t usually talk much as life gets in the way, but we make sure to check in with a message saying “I love you” or “I miss you” every week and a phone call once a month.
She is a friend you can say anything too and feel comfortable with, well that’s what I thought. I’m so devastated. I never thought telling her something she would make fun of me for.
She asked me about my health and I had explained to her about my new condition CVG (Cutis Verticis Gyrata) and she had explained that she used to make fun of a boy in school with a scalp like mine, I said to her that’s really mean. She continued to say it was funny, I stated it’s not funny, your really mean.
Near the end of the conversation she thought it would be funny to call me the same things she use to call the boy in her school. I feel so heartbroken how can people be so cruel. I feel terrible having the condition in the first place, without people making fun of me especially the one you are meant to trust.
What do you do when people make fun?
I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.
Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.
Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.
Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.
Yesterday I went out to get a haircut which is something I don’t usually get done, as I can’t handle people brushing my hair, but I am in desperate need of a hair cut as my hair is died at the ends.
You know when you need a haircut when your hair becomes so hard to brush it becomes tangled and it feels stiff and looks tacky.
For someone like me going to a hairdresser comes hard as I suffer from migraines and can’t handle my hair being brushed, explaining this to someone I don’t know is not something I feel comfortable doing. So then I become very anxious about the thought of the pain which keeps me from going.
So yesterday was a big deal for me, getting the courage to go. Well, that didn’t go well, firstly, the only hairdresser I know and feel OK in only because I take my husband there was closed (just great) and another one I know because my daughter goes there was closed (hello is anyone open today seriously).
So here I am looking for another one, but I swear they all think I’m rich. I couldn’t comprehend spending $110 on a haircut. I’m not one to spend money on me, so spending that on me was not going to happen. So I came home upset I didn’t get my haircut on the only day I got the courage to do it.
One day I will get the courage again, but for now, I will have to live with what I have. Unfortunately, this is my life, doing just the simplest thing as having a haircut can be the hardest task of all.
Yesterday I had a day out with my girls for a little retail therapy.
We had fun looking around at the shops, if my youngest one had her way she would have brought everything she set her eyes on, but what can you say she’s just like any other child.
We also sat down for a lovely lunch. It was great getting out for a day with my girls. The girls did appreciate being out as they continued to thank me when we got home. They are so sweet.
Growing up speaking up about being raped or abused was taboo which made coming forward so hard if impossible. For me it was impossible to come forward talking about things like that was taboo.
These days it’s spoken about everywhere I’m so grateful of that, that the younger generation doesn’t have to suffer as I did, and many like me did.
Many get angry when it is shown like it is in 13 Reasons Why. I as a victim of abuse have watched this series and are glad someone brought to light these issues society has. Yes, I know they are confronting, but it’s reality.
This was my reality when I was a teenager, I didn’t have anywhere to go, anyone to talk to. This was almost my end, but I’m a survivor. We don’t all end up like this, but it can happen. There are so many different ways things can go if we only changed our directions, I think this is a really good way to help us look at how our actions can affect others and our future choices.
No one should suffer in silence, it shouldn’t be taboo, unfortunately, this is reality. The more we are open about it hopefully the less it will happen or at least people know they won’t have to suffer in silence.
I hope everyone is doing OK.
I wanted to share with you all another love of mine, he is a big part of my life, he keeps me company, he loves me unconditionally, he wakes me when I’m having a turn, he comforts me when I’m feeling my worse, he is my companion and best friend, he is my dog, Buddy.
Without him in my life I would be lonely, he keeps me company when no ones home. At night some times, I have these turns I don’t know what they are, but he wakes me up by licking me. I know I have had a turn because I have a left facial droop when I get up from one.
He means the world to me. He helps in every aspect of my life, I’m so lucky to have him, he is the most patient and the calmest dog you could ask for.
Pets can be a great help in coping. If you have a pet I would love to hear?