The Best Companion.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

I wanted to share with you all another love of mine, he is a big part of my life, he keeps me company, he loves me unconditionally, he wakes me when I’m having a turn, he comforts me when I’m feeling my worse, he is my companion and best friend, he is my dog, Buddy.

Without him in my life I would be lonely, he keeps me company when no ones home. At night some times, I have these turns I don’t know what they are, but he wakes me up by licking me. I know I have had a turn because I have a left facial droop when I get up from one.

He means the world to me. He helps in every aspect of my life, I’m so lucky to have him, he is the most patient and the calmest dog you could ask for.

Pets can be a great help in coping. If you have a pet I would love to hear?

Please Skip My Birthday.

Over the weekend it was my birthday, I am one that doesn’t like to celebrate my birthday as it’s a day that I find hard.

Ever since I was sixteen I hated birthdays, why you may ask, well, this day was one I was made to feel not wanted nor loved.

I have never been ungrateful for what I have received but this day I wanted to give everything back.

My birthday gifts consisted of household gifts this included:

  • Towels
  • Dinner ware
  • Pots and pans
  • Knife and Forks
  • Glassware
  • Coffee cups

Everything you needed to move out of home I was devastated. I was a sixteen-year-old girl who already felt unloved who now feels this is their way of saying I was old enough to move out. Ever since that day I have never wanted a birthday again.

Appreciating The Smallest Things.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

When I sit and think about how my life has turned out, I have to think how much it made me change as a person. As much as I hate what happened to me, it has made me appreciate things a lot more. Things I use to take for granted I would only wish I never took for granted. Like the small things that I accomplish now I appreciate so much more.

Just going out in the sun is a hard task as I am sensitive to light, not only are my eyes sensitive that cause my migraines to become more intense, but my skin has become more sensitive to the sun due to the medication I take I burn in as little as 20 minutes, so I need to be very careful.

I would never wish my life on anyone, as it’s not easy to live, but this is the life I was given and it has made me appreciate the smallest things in life. I treasure my children and every milestone they make. I take one day as it comes and appreciate each and every day I’m here.

Just being told that you are special or that you are loved is a small thing, but it means so much, these are small things in life that need to be appreciated more.

Thanks for reading.

Roblox Warning!

This is one post that I wasn’t going to post, but I think is important. This one is hard for me to write, but I want people out there to be aware of what their kids are doing and how it could affect others.

Over the last few months, I have noticed a change in my 7-year old’s behaviour she has become quite angry and aggressive towards us. It’s not her usual behaviour to do this especially towards me.

Over the last few weeks, it’s become worse to the point where she is saying things like “She hates herself”. and if we say no to her she will say things like “You just want me to die”. This has lead us to seek medical help for her as we are scared for her welfare.

After talking through her emotions we worked out her problems have arisen from a game she has been playing. In the game, she stated that if she doesn’t look a certain way they call her “UGLY”, and they have said she should “GO AND DIE”.

The game I am talking about is ROBLOX.

On this game, the kids can be cruel. We have tried deleting this game, but our daughter gets angry and quite violent, so my husband will play it with her, and when they are mean he removes her from the game and reports the user, but our daughter still gets back on there, even getting up early and playing. This game is like an addition to kids.

We didn’t know how this would affect her. We are devastated about what it’s done. I wanted to share my story to let others know what this game is doing to children. What the effects of what they say can effect someone’s mind.

I couldn’t imagine losing my daughter. I know we have a long process of changing her mind process, but I’m grateful we worked it out now before it was too late.

To other’s out there with kids on this game please be aware of what they are doing and their Mental Health.

This Is My Calling.

Sometimes I sit and think about what to write. It can sometimes come to my head straight away or can take hours to pop in my head. I don’t usually know what I’m going to write about because I like to be straight with you all. If I’m not feeling the best I want you to know, if I have read an article that’s got me thinking then I write about that.

I wanted to do this blog to share life’s ups and downs, living with mental health and chronic illness, ideas, and general chat. Having a mental health condition and chronic illness doesn’t mean you can’t live. Yes it’s extremely difficult I’m going to lie, days can be unbearable, but if I let it take me what’s the point living.

When I think about why this happened I think maybe it’s to be the strength to help others living the same life. Why else would I be put here? I have been blessed with the most beautiful loving children, most understanding husband, and a best friend I have had for 30 years that gets me. And to top it off I’m here sharing my story, yes I know they are not the nicest stories in the world, but I am me because I lived them.

If I can help just one person in my life, then even though I have been through the worse, I have been blessed with the best life. You have to turn the bad into something good, hey, but we are here for a reason and I believe this is my reason.

I hope you enjoyed. XXX

Unseen signs

When I think back about my childhood I come to realize that I showed a lot of signs of depression, I didn’t understand what I was doing was for a reason. I understand now that maybe what I was doing was due to how I was feeling.

I remember piecing my skin with a pin when I was only 7, I use to piece it that much I could peel the skin off, this went on for years. This all started after I was molested at age 6.

As I into pre-teen I tried smoking when I was only 10, I also tried drugs, I got into fights. I use to just go out with boys. I remember hating me so much then, this is when my behaviour changed dramatically.

Coming into my teens my behaviour continued to spiral out of control, My self-harm went from pinning to burning, I went into full-on drug and alcohol use. Partied non-stop, I also had suicidal thoughts and even tried to suicide.

When I go back and think about what I did I showed so many signs something was wrong. Yet no one noticed. When I read about suicides it makes me upset. Most of the time the signs are there they are just missed. I’m so lucky I’m still here, but some aren’t so lucky.

Warning signs can’t be ignored if you see a change in someone’s personality or behaviour PLEASE don’t ignore it because one day it may be the day of no return.

Self-Harm

I thought I would take some time to write about self-harm today, this is one that is hard to write about and maybe a trigger not just for me, but for other’s, so please read with understanding of this.

My self-harming starting when I was around 12, I started off with burning. I use to use a lighter and heat up the metal end and press it into my skin, I also use to run the flame up my arm or hold my finger in the flame. I did this a lot especially when I was really upset. I could never feel the pain of the burning until later on. You have no sensation of pain, you just feel numb.

When I was 16 the burning stopped, and I started turning to showering in hot water, and scrubbing my skin until it bled or my skin peeled off. This started happening after I was raped. The reason I was doing this is due to not feeling clean and trying to get rid of him, and the feelings. It would always happen when I was triggered. I also use to scatch my skin too.

Self-harm was a big part of my life, but I can say I haven’t harmed now for about 3 years which I am so happy about. Triggers are my biggest issues to my self-harm, and it’s keeping them triggers on a down low, that helps me keep my self-harming at bay.

People self-harm for many different reasons, people believe it’s for attention, but it’s far from that. I know my was due to the pain I was feeling deep inside I couldn’t get rid of. All I ever wanted was to feel free of the dirty feeling I was feeling inside. When I was burning all them years ago I hated me I hated everything about me, I wanted to hurt me, I want all the hurt and pain I felt inside to go away. No one knew what I was doing I didn’t share my dark secret to anyone.

I have had to live with the scars all my life that no one has any clue why I have them. That was my dark time, I still feel it now like it was yesterday, and it breaks my heart to know how I was then. Now I’m in a better place and not harming.

I wanted to share my story because there are so many reasons behind a scar, so never judge or ask someone about their scar because there could be a dark story behind their scar. These can trigger bad memories, please just be mindful of scars.

I hope you enjoyed.

One Of Them Weeks

Today I thought I would write about my past week, I always said I would write of my experiences even the raw one’s and this week happens to be one of the raw one’s.

You always try to be positive, but we all know this can not always be the way. I have been honest to say that I do have my downs, just as much as anyone else. I myself don’t like to be the one who opens my door to speak when I have these days. I usually close my door and shut the world away, but when I decided to do this blog it came with opening up on my lows and high’s to let people in on the reality of Mental Health and Chronic Illness, so here we go.

The last week has been very hard on both Mentally and Physically, I have been struggling with my health. Firstly I hurt my wrist about 4 weeks ago and it’s still playing havoc on my life, my doctor just keeps giving medication after medication which isn’t helping. I also have intestinal issues which are increasingly getting worse (it looks like I’m 6months pregnant) and I struggle to eat, waiting on surgery at the moment. My eyesight is getting worse (which I found out yesterday), which makes my migraines worse because I strain to see.

Having the extra medical issues it’s causing me to get more stressed out, which then is causing my anxiety to kick in. I’m also feeling more depressed. I’m having issues sleeping, which then is causing my moods to be easily triggered. Having trouble getting myself in the shower, the vicious circle begins.

I have taken the last few days to stop to collect my head before I get lost, so I have taken some relaxation time, family time, and beach time, all the things that I know make me feel better. I feel a lot better today thank god I know I was just overthinking because I was getting overwhelmed.

I know that at the end of the day I will get through each one, but thinking about it won’t help me. I know I need to stop overthinking. Things will turn out.

I wanted to share some inside to my brain this week. hope you enjoyed.

I’m so Grateful

In my last blog, I wrote about how I lost my dream job due to an accident at work, which I have now come to terms with, but I wanted to write about a followers kind comment to that blog that reminded me and what I should have written in that blog about.

The follower reminded me that “I’m writing and that’s important.” and I’m so glad they wrote this Thank you to this follower. I have debated on what to do with my life for 9 years now. I can never return to work due to my health, and I was getting frustrated with myself. I didn’t want to sit around doing nothing, I have tried many things, but my health gets in the way.

I had been thinking of writing a blog for the last 3 years, but I was fighting with my own demons (I still do, but I’m learning to fight them back). I was in one of my darkest moments then, our family had just lost someone to Domestic Violence which sent me into the biggest spiral of my life. I didn’t Know if I was going to get through it, but I’m here.

Then only last year I lost someone who was like my brother, he has been a part of my life since I was 6 to suicide, that guttered me. After this was when I decided to write, I wanted to let people in on life. I had been through so much in my life, I had so much going on, I couldn’t go back to work, and I wanted to let people know they’re not alone.

I am so grateful to be able to write, I never thought I would be here doing this, but so glad I am. If I can just make one person’s day then I have done my job and that’s all that matters.

Hope you enjoyed.

When My Dreams Crashed

All my life I never knew what I wanted to do, till one day I decided I loved doing medicine and loved doing security (yes security). I wanted to combine both fields together, I loved the thrill of security and loved medicine, so I decided to become a Paramedic.

Finally, after 29 years I decided my career, I signed for uni to start in January 2010 and in October of 2009 I got hurt at work. My life changed forever. All my dreams disappeared. It’s taken me until the last year to come to terms that I will never be in my dream job.

I still sometimes cry if I think about it, but I try not too. Everyone has just told me “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “You will find something”. It’s easy to say that, but when your dreams are crushed it’s hard to comprehend. It took me all my life to work out where I wanted to be and in one foul swoop it was all taken away.

It took me along time to decide my career as I was always told what to do. I was always told to work, that I didn’t get a chance to do as i pleased. I studied while I worked and was also a mum.

I now teach my children to do what they dream because you never know when your life can be turned upside down. I don’t want them to have to miss out on their happiness and their dreams. Always do what makes you happy not what makes others happy.