I thought I would take some time to write about self-harm today, this is one that is hard to write about and maybe a trigger not just for me, but for other’s, so please read with understanding of this.
My self-harming starting when I was around 12, I started off with burning. I use to use a lighter and heat up the metal end and press it into my skin, I also use to run the flame up my arm or hold my finger in the flame. I did this a lot especially when I was really upset. I could never feel the pain of the burning until later on. You have no sensation of pain, you just feel numb.
When I was 16 the burning stopped, and I started turning to showering in hot water, and scrubbing my skin until it bled or my skin peeled off. This started happening after I was raped. The reason I was doing this is due to not feeling clean and trying to get rid of him, and the feelings. It would always happen when I was triggered. I also use to scatch my skin too.
Self-harm was a big part of my life, but I can say I haven’t harmed now for about 3 years which I am so happy about. Triggers are my biggest issues to my self-harm, and it’s keeping them triggers on a down low, that helps me keep my self-harming at bay.
People self-harm for many different reasons, people believe it’s for attention, but it’s far from that. I know my was due to the pain I was feeling deep inside I couldn’t get rid of. All I ever wanted was to feel free of the dirty feeling I was feeling inside. When I was burning all them years ago I hated me I hated everything about me, I wanted to hurt me, I want all the hurt and pain I felt inside to go away. No one knew what I was doing I didn’t share my dark secret to anyone.
I have had to live with the scars all my life that no one has any clue why I have them. That was my dark time, I still feel it now like it was yesterday, and it breaks my heart to know how I was then. Now I’m in a better place and not harming.
I wanted to share my story because there are so many reasons behind a scar, so never judge or ask someone about their scar because there could be a dark story behind their scar. These can trigger bad memories, please just be mindful of scars.
I hope you enjoyed.