So Proud

Today was such a special day. Today I watched a boy turn into a man, he who I once watched riding his bike acting like a complete sausage. To watching him Graduate year 12.

I couldn’t be anymore proud of this boy, he has been through more than any child should in a lifetime.

Unfortunately we lost his mum to DV just over three years ago, every day has been a struggle for him, but even through all the pain and sorrow he came through it all and graduated.

His mum would’ve been so proud of him. He proved no matter what you go through big or small you can accomplish anything you put your mind too.

I couldn’t be more proud.

Fearing People.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Something I struggle with a lot in life is being social. Talking to people is hard for me to do, I fear what they are going to think about me. I fear about making a fool of myself. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get past the fear.

I know that my fear stints from past experiences with people, I know not everyone is the same, but I, unfortunately, have only been met with bad in most cases.

My fear stints so far as I’m even finding it hard to be on social media, I love doing my blog and so passionate about what I do, but I struggle to connect with others. As much as I love reading others blogs I just can’t push myself to comment, sometimes I may be able to make a small comment after fighting with myself one hundred times to get it out, but I try to just like so people see I do care.

It’s hard living in fear of people, it’s also very lonely. I have worked to try and combat my fears, but as quickly as I open my door the quicker is closers. This fear is not one I would wish upon my worse enemy.

Don’t Let It Be TABOO.

Growing up speaking up about being raped or abused was taboo which made coming forward so hard if impossible. For me it was impossible to come forward talking about things like that was taboo.

These days it’s spoken about everywhere I’m so grateful of that, that the younger generation doesn’t have to suffer as I did, and many like me did.

Many get angry when it is shown like it is in 13 Reasons Why. I as a victim of abuse have watched this series and are glad someone brought to light these issues society has. Yes, I know they are confronting, but it’s reality.

This was my reality when I was a teenager, I didn’t have anywhere to go, anyone to talk to. This was almost my end, but I’m a survivor. We don’t all end up like this, but it can happen. There are so many different ways things can go if we only changed our directions, I think this is a really good way to help us look at how our actions can affect others and our future choices.

No one should suffer in silence, it shouldn’t be taboo, unfortunately, this is reality. The more we are open about it hopefully the less it will happen or at least people know they won’t have to suffer in silence.

The Untold Secrets Behind An Abuse Survivor

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This blog I wanted to share how being an abuse survivor has changed my life, in ways many people wouldn’t think. There are daily life activities that can’t be done due to a trigger/Flashback.

To exclude triggers/flashbacks in my life I have needed to change the way I live my life. These are secrets I hold close to my heart, but it’s the reality of what the rape and abuse have caused.

These triggers can be having a shower, I need to have the door open as I get scared of the unknown, meaning I need to know if anyone is outside the door, I also can’t shower with a shower curtain as I feel like I’m being grabbed.

I leave the door of the toilet open because I freak out in the small room. I can’t be scared, I need to know where everyone is in the house. I can’t be touched from behind.

I also struggle with clothing, any tight-fitting clothing, hoodies are my worst enemy as they bring back my biggest triggers, the feeling of someone who has their hand around my throat, just as it did on one of the occasions.

I don’t sleep in anything but undies and singlet as I wake up feeling like someone’s grabbing me. My husband can’t even hold me in bed.

My life changed drastically when I went through all of this, but I’m a survivor I’m here and I’m telling my story. Yes, I had to change my life to not include things, but its better than remembering the bad.

We don’t have to let it shape us into what we don’t want to be, don’t let them win.

Forgiveness

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Forgiveness is one subject that is one I find hard to do, I know they say forgiveness is an important part of healing, but my answer is always how do you forgive someone who came into your life only to destroy all your self-worth.

Is forgiveness really that important in healing? I haven’t forgiven my rapists and never will, I’m where I am today due to what they did to me, to forgive them for taking my self-worth, my trust for people, my soul, how could I?

Then I think how many times do you need to forgive someone before enough is enough, even if they are family, we all deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.

Forgiveness is a hard thing for anyone to do, but for me, it’s one thing I don’t believe I would ever do. If you do then I congratulate you because you are a far better person than me.

To You.

We all have the Strength to get through this,

We are all Strong,

We are all Remarkable people,

And your life is Precious,

It’s OK to have bad days,

It’s Normal,

We deserve Love,

And we deserve to be Heard.

*Remember to tell yourself every day that “You Can Do This” and be “Proud” of every little milestone you make.

Can You Protect Too Much?

When I was 21 I got married for the first time this marriage was violent which I have gone through in a previous blog, but I wanted to share how being in a relationship like this has made me be to my children after being in a marriage like that.

What I mean by that is, I am so much more protective over my children, I find it difficult to stand by and let people hurt them. This then plays havoc on my mental health.

After going through this marriage it made me struggle to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t protect my child from the violence her father inflicted on her. Something I will forever live with, but I protect my children from people who inflict pain or hurt now.

It opens your eyes to what’s important, but the guilt you carry is incredible. I know that we make choices in our lives that lead us to either a good or bad path and we have to live them life choices. As I have heard many times we make the choice at the time believing it was the right choice at the time, but you do carry the guilt.

Changing who I am to protect who I love has come from the choices I have made wrong, and not having people protect me makes me do it even more. I know I didn’t make the choice to be in the situation, but I still blame myself for staying too long, but I’m so grateful I got out.

What’s your thoughts? Can you protect too much?