Behind My Smile
You know when you need to be strong for others, but inside your fighting so hard to keep your own demons at bay. That’s exactly how I feel.
I’m trying so hard to stay strong for others around me, but I can feel myself falling apart at the seems.
How do you tell people that you aren’t coping when your their only support?
This world can be so cruel. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away, and or shut yourself up. But who does it help in the end?
Got to keep fighting, one foot in front of another.
Depression can be a viscous circle. You work so hard to keep your head out of the deep dark hole, to keep those demons at bay. Yet it takes one thing to trigger our thoughts and emotions.
You learn over time how to not let everything get to you or at least trigger your emotions off, but there become points in time where there are an overwhelming amount of different things happening all at once.
When these times happen it sends us into this painful spiral of emotions that you can’t control. You become so numb to the world, because the emotions are so overwhelming.
You can’t concentrate, you can’t think, you don’t know how to feel. You have these thoughts in your head of what the point of fighting is.
You know that it’s all because things have become too much to take in, but the constant fights become harder and harder even though you know how to fight.
It’s not easy fighting the endless battle, but this is the life of depression.
Anxiety is that mechanism is your brain called fear, but amplified 100 times more.
It’s that fear of judgement the moment you leave your house wondering if your going to have to talk to people you don’t know or see someone you don’t want to see.
The constant fear of the what if’s, what if this happens or what if that happens that consumes you whole.
The constant fear of having to face people wandering if they are looking at you because of the way you look or wandering if they are talking about you.
No matter how hard you try to ignore the fear it finds it way to consume you.
This is what anxiety feels like to me.
You know when you have to have test done, but your anxieties get in the way, that has become my dilemma.
It all started a couple of weeks ago while I had a CT scan. The CT scan was checking my head, while doing that they picked up a lump near my jaw.
They are unsure what it is or why it’s there they think it my be a lymph nodes, so they have ask for more scans.
Here’s where my dilemma comes in.
Every time I go to make the appointment to have the scan done my anxiety goes through the roof and I can’t push myself to make the appointment.
Yes, I know I need to get it checked, but the fear in me out way the need to check. I have truly had enough. Every time I go to a doctor the add a new condition to my list and I couldn’t bear anymore.
Anxiety is a powerful thing and can control what you do, it impacts the most important choices in your life. I know the right choices, but struggle to fight the fear.
These last few days I have had some much needed R & R and boy did I need this.
I have spent the most part of my life living with Mental illness.
Over the years I have spent many days trying to learn how to cope with the ups and downs you go through.
My word it’s hard, there are so many ups and downs that you endure on your journey, but it’s apart of living with these conditions.
There is no cure for what we have, but pure strength and willpower. Every day is a learning curve, but it’s definitely a fight worth fighting.
I will never sit here and tell anyone it’s easy because it’s far from that. I can never tell you that you will be cured, but I will tell you it does get better with practice.
I am just like everyone suffering, I too have bad days, but I’m still here fighting the same battle I did back then, but it’s ok and I’m ok with that.
This is what makes me ME. Except who you are and you will be ok.
This morning I had a phone call from a friend of mine it was nice to hear from someone, I don’t let a lot of people in on my life or my health, but she has been a friend for more than 30years.
It’s nice to do a good catch up, as we don’t usually talk much as life gets in the way, but we make sure to check in with a message saying “I love you” or “I miss you” every week and a phone call once a month.
She is a friend you can say anything too and feel comfortable with, well that’s what I thought. I’m so devastated. I never thought telling her something she would make fun of me for.
She asked me about my health and I had explained to her about my new condition CVG (Cutis Verticis Gyrata) and she had explained that she used to make fun of a boy in school with a scalp like mine, I said to her that’s really mean. She continued to say it was funny, I stated it’s not funny, your really mean.
Near the end of the conversation she thought it would be funny to call me the same things she use to call the boy in her school. I feel so heartbroken how can people be so cruel. I feel terrible having the condition in the first place, without people making fun of me especially the one you are meant to trust.
What do you do when people make fun?
I think about what I have accomplished in my life and I really haven’t accomplished a lot.
I didn’t get my dream job due to being hurt, which now keeps me from ever returning to a job again. I haven’t been able to buy my own home, as buying your own home entails you to have a steady income and saving which is something, unfortunately, I am unable to do/have.
I always wanted to travel, but have been unable to also do due to being too sick for the last 10years.
I also spent the most part of my life listening to others rather than listening to my heart. I also put others before myself.
This has eventually lead to my accomplishments being forgotten or put on the back burner. Now I sit and think about where I am and it disappointments me
I’m almost 40 and I have achieved what I set out to achieve, so I’m making it my task to make sure my girls don’t make the same mistakes and they follow their dreams.
And if you have any dreams make sure you don’t put them off because one day you will regret what you didn’t do.
I have a million things going on in my head that sometimes it’s so hard to express. When I try to write it out it all comes out as a puzzle of words you need to put together.
Most of the time I never know how I feel because I am emotionless. When I’m asked to explain I can never find the words to express the way I feel. Writing my feelings are just as hard.
Every day I try to get out at least of feeling I feel, but it becomes impossible to do. I think over time you lose the way to express emotions when you try to express them, but they are unheard.
Emotions are a key part of expressing how you feeling. When they are unheard you become numb to them.
Over the last week I have been preparing for an house inspection these are my worst nightmares.
I struggle with mess and what I mean by this is I can become frustrated at the look of mess on the best of days, so having people come through my house, well, that’s another story.
I can become very OCD to the point that I will repeat what has been done multiple times and still not be happy. I get so angry and frustrated with myself for it not being perfect.
I struggle enough with myself when I don’t have a house inspection, but doing a house inspection becomes the reality of hating myself for not doing it right.
The worse feeling is the feeling of failure, yes I know it’s only an inspection, but it’s more than just that, I don’t cope well with judgment. I also don’t like to disappoint people, so there’s a lot I have going on in my mind to accomplish to be a peace.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
I spent years trying to get better with no prevail, I lose hope in ever finding a way to get better when Doctors and Specialist throw their hands up and walk away when things get too hard.
I have spent the last 6 years trying to get answers to my condition with no luck. I just get Specialists using me as a guinea pig, trial medication after trial medication, then it’s “sorry we have no curer.” Well OK then, umm thanks. It’s not nice to be made to feel like that, you just want answers to why you are sick.
Yesterday I took a huge blow with my pain specialist even stepping back and saying she could no longer help. That hit me for a sixer, she also stated physio would be of no help either, so she cancelled all my physio appointments. The one person I didn’t see turning their back on me just did.
When you spend years working with someone you don’t expect them to just give up knowing what you have been through. It makes you feel like giving up too. When things get too hard for people they just walk, I wish it was that easy for me. Instead of walking away maybe they should put themselves in my shoes for one day.
The fight will continue, just hope one day I will find the answers I am looking for.