The Best Companion.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

I wanted to share with you all another love of mine, he is a big part of my life, he keeps me company, he loves me unconditionally, he wakes me when I’m having a turn, he comforts me when I’m feeling my worse, he is my companion and best friend, he is my dog, Buddy.

Without him in my life I would be lonely, he keeps me company when no ones home. At night some times, I have these turns I don’t know what they are, but he wakes me up by licking me. I know I have had a turn because I have a left facial droop when I get up from one.

He means the world to me. He helps in every aspect of my life, I’m so lucky to have him, he is the most patient and the calmest dog you could ask for.

Pets can be a great help in coping. If you have a pet I would love to hear?

The Untold Secrets Behind An Abuse Survivor

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This blog I wanted to share how being an abuse survivor has changed my life, in ways many people wouldn’t think. There are daily life activities that can’t be done due to a trigger/Flashback.

To exclude triggers/flashbacks in my life I have needed to change the way I live my life. These are secrets I hold close to my heart, but it’s the reality of what the rape and abuse have caused.

These triggers can be having a shower, I need to have the door open as I get scared of the unknown, meaning I need to know if anyone is outside the door, I also can’t shower with a shower curtain as I feel like I’m being grabbed.

I leave the door of the toilet open because I freak out in the small room. I can’t be scared, I need to know where everyone is in the house. I can’t be touched from behind.

I also struggle with clothing, any tight-fitting clothing, hoodies are my worst enemy as they bring back my biggest triggers, the feeling of someone who has their hand around my throat, just as it did on one of the occasions.

I don’t sleep in anything but undies and singlet as I wake up feeling like someone’s grabbing me. My husband can’t even hold me in bed.

My life changed drastically when I went through all of this, but I’m a survivor I’m here and I’m telling my story. Yes, I had to change my life to not include things, but its better than remembering the bad.

We don’t have to let it shape us into what we don’t want to be, don’t let them win.

A Dream That May Become A Memory.

When I think about all the things I wanted to do in my life, I think why did I wait, why didn’t I just do them. Unfortunately, I’m not one to think of myself first, I think on a practical level.

I have always been one of them people who way up all the options first, by saying things like:

  • If I do this will I be able to afford my bills?
  • If I start this course how will I work and look after the kids?
  • if I was to work here would it be feasible to move with the extra cost of rent?
  • If I was to study could we afford to live off one income?
  • If I was to work there how could we get the kids to school?

When I think about the “what if’s” I get myself so worked up that I can’t contemplate putting myself first. Now that I’m older I have come to realise that it’s so important in life to do what makes you happy because you never know when your life can take a turn for the worse.

I, unfortunately, can’t change my future as much as I would love to go work and study I know I’m not capable of keeping up with the load. I love now that I have found my niche with writing which keeps me busy.

I just want to remind people to, “Never let your dream slip from your fingers with the what if’s because life can change in an instant and forever that dream will be a dream.”

I Can’t Stop My Struggles, It’s Just Me.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Over the last week mentally I have been struggling, not only with my new diagnosis but just in general. Between going to doctors appointments and life, I have just hit a brick wall. When I get this point in my life I hit struggle street, what do I mean by struggle you ask.

Well, when I talk about a struggle, I talk about tasks. These tasks are near impossible to do, without a struggle. I fight my inner demons to do the simplest of tasks. if I don’t complete these tasks my inner demon becomes worse and I feel like it’s defeated me.

I still don’t understand why these tasks are so hard to accomplish when I’m in my hour of need. Why my mind feels the need to make me feel even worse than I already do, but it’s just the way the mind works.

I thought I would share some of my impossible tasks with you all so here we go:

  • brushing my teeth
  • showering
  • brushing my hair
  • eating
  • cleaning
  • answering the phone
  • getting out of bed
  • getting dressed
  • talking

Tasks like these are everyday tasks, but for someone like me when I’m at my lowest become the hardest tasks of my life. No matter how much you know you need to do it it’s just not possible to do. Unfortunately, this is part of my illness, but I wanted to share my struggle.

Made To Feel Like Crap.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

This week was a hard week with being admitted to hospital for a couple of days being away from my family has brought my mood right down. The hospital experience was terrible and not having my family with me made it even worse.

I was admitted due to my GP getting worried over more issues arising from what she thought maybe my head she urgently rushed me to hospital. Once there I became the talk of the hospital (which I will explain in another blog). Specialist and doctors from everywhere were trying to work out what was wrong.

Unfortunately, I didn’t meet with very many nice ones, I am not the smallest person and do has some weight and struggle a lot with my weight, but I don’t need to be reminded of it every time doctors can’t find a reason from my issues.

While in there one of the doctors said straight to my face “you know maybe if you didn’t have the weight you wouldn’t have half the problems you have!”, I got these issues while I was small, not fat by the way, and do you really have to blame my weight for all my problems seriously. Most of the specialist and doctors were like that, it was heartbreaking coping with all that.

Also, they wouldn’t allow my family in, it was like I was a germ or something. No matter how many times I asked them if my family could come in they kept saying, “not now just hold off for the time being”. It was so hard mentally being there alone having all these strangers around. I just locked myself in my cubicle and stayed on my phone to my husband the whole time.

Now I’m home I’m worse mentally, I cry all the time, I feel sad and alone. It’s going to take me a lot to get over this, but I will get there in the end.

I’m Back

Hope everyone is doing OK.

It feels like forever since I wrote last, so I wanted to give you all an insight into the last week.

Firstly I would like to apologise to you all, as I was trying to work on my site and lost everything. I finally manage to get it recovered after help from my wonderful husband, helping by talking to the host site to get it finally fixed.

While getting my site fixed my health plummeted to the point I spent a couple of days in the hospital. I’m still not feeling the best with now getting a cold on top, but I will get there.

Life has taken an unexpected turn that I’m trying to get my head around, a new diagnosis, more tests. A whole new chapter to learn. One I will share with you all.

For now, I wanted to catch up and let you know I’m sorry and I’m back.

Stop Walking Away.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I spent years trying to get better with no prevail, I lose hope in ever finding a way to get better when Doctors and Specialist throw their hands up and walk away when things get too hard.

I have spent the last 6 years trying to get answers to my condition with no luck. I just get Specialists using me as a guinea pig, trial medication after trial medication, then it’s “sorry we have no curer.” Well OK then, umm thanks. It’s not nice to be made to feel like that, you just want answers to why you are sick.

Yesterday I took a huge blow with my pain specialist even stepping back and saying she could no longer help. That hit me for a sixer, she also stated physio would be of no help either, so she cancelled all my physio appointments. The one person I didn’t see turning their back on me just did.

When you spend years working with someone you don’t expect them to just give up knowing what you have been through. It makes you feel like giving up too. When things get too hard for people they just walk, I wish it was that easy for me. Instead of walking away maybe they should put themselves in my shoes for one day.

The fight will continue, just hope one day I will find the answers I am looking for.

My Day.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Today I thought I might share what I do when I’m at home. Most people I talk to just assume I sit around all day doing nothing, so I thought I would give an insight into what I do.

Every day is different, apart from taking my children to school and picking them up. Yes, I take my children to school every day, I never miss a day. I usually get started with the morning coffee, blog, and catch up on other blog posts.

I will put on a load of washing if the machine is full. Stack the dishwasher, clean up from breakfast. I’m not keen on a dirty house.

I love to do arts and crafts, so I can get stuck into this most days to keep me busy. I like to make keyrings and phone cases from resin. (Keyrings I have made pictured below)

I also love to draw which is something I do when I can’t manage to get up, and my migraines aren’t so bad. I do miss doing this activity as my migraines do stop me from doing this one.

I don’t like to sit around doing nothing, I try to keep as busy as possible. I try to keep my mind active and my body moving as much as possible. I only do as I can and when I can. It’s important to keep your body moving.

Hope you enjoyed reading.

I shouldn’t Apologise For Having a MHC.

One thing I have understood over time is that having a Mental Health Condition has taught me, is that people expect you to apologize for your behaviour. What I mean by this is that if you don’t act a certain way you feel you are obligated to apologize for your so-called behaviour.

When I say this I talk about the way we talk or our body language. I always get questions like “are you OK?” if I’m not smiling, or “what’s wrong?” if I’m not up to talking. Honestly, there may not be anything wrong it could be just tired or I don’t know what to talk about.

Sometimes conversations are hard for me to have because I can’t express how I feel, so I can come across quite blunt. People then take me the wrong way. I feel like I have to be someone I’m not to make people happy.

Yes, I have a Mental Health condition, but that shouldn’t make people dictate who I have to be. If I don’t look a certain way it doesn’t mean I’m depressed. If I don’t talk to you and I only answer with one word it doesn’t mean I’m angry or having a bad day, it could be I’m shy and I’m not sure what to say.

Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t mean they need to be criticised for having the wrong emotions, we are just as human as the next.

Ups and Downs

Hope everyone is doing ok.

This week has been a week full of its biggest ups and downs. I have struggled to understand why life has taken a turn, I always try to keep a positive look on each day, but I have been pushing myself to do that.

I know a lot of my issues boil down to my health and what my future months hold. The financial strain it has put on my family, with my husband having to stay home to look after me.

My dream to share my life and help others with my blog almost ended due to financial issues. My site got shutdown till I paid.

Not having my blog felt like I lost my soul, my place of comfort. It was the longest week ever I couldn’t handle not having my blog, it’s a big part of me and my healing process.

I hope I didn’t fail anyone by having this happen, I will make sure I keep it well paid in advance.

So much has happened it hasn’t been easy, but I’m getting there.

Thanks for reading