The Untold Secrets Behind An Abuse Survivor

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This blog I wanted to share how being an abuse survivor has changed my life, in ways many people wouldn’t think. There are daily life activities that can’t be done due to a trigger/Flashback.

To exclude triggers/flashbacks in my life I have needed to change the way I live my life. These are secrets I hold close to my heart, but it’s the reality of what the rape and abuse have caused.

These triggers can be having a shower, I need to have the door open as I get scared of the unknown, meaning I need to know if anyone is outside the door, I also can’t shower with a shower curtain as I feel like I’m being grabbed.

I leave the door of the toilet open because I freak out in the small room. I can’t be scared, I need to know where everyone is in the house. I can’t be touched from behind.

I also struggle with clothing, any tight-fitting clothing, hoodies are my worst enemy as they bring back my biggest triggers, the feeling of someone who has their hand around my throat, just as it did on one of the occasions.

I don’t sleep in anything but undies and singlet as I wake up feeling like someone’s grabbing me. My husband can’t even hold me in bed.

My life changed drastically when I went through all of this, but I’m a survivor I’m here and I’m telling my story. Yes, I had to change my life to not include things, but its better than remembering the bad.

We don’t have to let it shape us into what we don’t want to be, don’t let them win.

The Story Behind The Birthday.

I wanted to write this blog to explain a little further on the blog I had written yesterday and the reasoning behind why I didn’t want a birthday after this day.

This day was the one I feel was the day my parents in particularly my mother, gave up on me and this is why this one stands out. What I mean by this is, by her giving me what she did it felt like an end.

Not long after this day I was kicked out of home and spent the next 20 years fighting to get her to be a mother. Someone who is there when you need them, someone who listens to you, someone who just loves you.

Finally, in the end, I couldn’t handle the effects it was causing not only me but my children. I left the ball in her court only to have it thrown in my face and told to not contact her until I grow the hell up(putting it nicely). I spent my life trying to fit in, trying to be who she wanted me to be, who was never going to be good enough.

This birthday was one year ago she told me to not return, so it’s still so raw, but I feel like that day was my sixteenth birthday when she brought me everything to leave.

No matter how much you try to move forward after an event like this every child pines for a mother and it hurts a lot especially with occasions like these, but we have to keep moving forward.

Just remember to treasure your loved ones.

Please Skip My Birthday.

Over the weekend it was my birthday, I am one that doesn’t like to celebrate my birthday as it’s a day that I find hard.

Ever since I was sixteen I hated birthdays, why you may ask, well, this day was one I was made to feel not wanted nor loved.

I have never been ungrateful for what I have received but this day I wanted to give everything back.

My birthday gifts consisted of household gifts this included:

  • Towels
  • Dinner ware
  • Pots and pans
  • Knife and Forks
  • Glassware
  • Coffee cups

Everything you needed to move out of home I was devastated. I was a sixteen-year-old girl who already felt unloved who now feels this is their way of saying I was old enough to move out. Ever since that day I have never wanted a birthday again.

A Dream That May Become A Memory.

When I think about all the things I wanted to do in my life, I think why did I wait, why didn’t I just do them. Unfortunately, I’m not one to think of myself first, I think on a practical level.

I have always been one of them people who way up all the options first, by saying things like:

  • If I do this will I be able to afford my bills?
  • If I start this course how will I work and look after the kids?
  • if I was to work here would it be feasible to move with the extra cost of rent?
  • If I was to study could we afford to live off one income?
  • If I was to work there how could we get the kids to school?

When I think about the “what if’s” I get myself so worked up that I can’t contemplate putting myself first. Now that I’m older I have come to realise that it’s so important in life to do what makes you happy because you never know when your life can take a turn for the worse.

I, unfortunately, can’t change my future as much as I would love to go work and study I know I’m not capable of keeping up with the load. I love now that I have found my niche with writing which keeps me busy.

I just want to remind people to, “Never let your dream slip from your fingers with the what if’s because life can change in an instant and forever that dream will be a dream.”

My Rare Condition.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This is one blog that is hard for me to share as it is new and I’m trying to wrap my head around the diagnoses still, but this is my life. If you are a follower of my blog you would know I was admitted to hospital last week, as my GP was fearing the worse. Now to explain the fear that lead to the hospital that gave me my diagnosis.

It started with me going to the GP due to my head. I have been experiencing a lot of different issues which they believe are all connected to my head, but what’s caused all the issues they can’t explain. Then I experienced the worse issues I could have ever imagined, and that is indents in my scalp.

It honestly feels like my scalp is caving in on its self. My GP had no idea what was going on as I never had this before, so she rushed me to the hospital, The Doctors there had never seen it before. They ran bloods, did CT scans, 30-minute obs, every Specialist got called in the hospital till they got a Specialist who knew what it was.

The Diagnosis is Cutis Verticis Gyrata (CVG for short) it is where the scalp thickens and deep folds begin to form in the scalp it is described to look like a form of the brain. it happens in 0.026 in 100,00 of woman, and 1 in 100,000 men.

They are unsure of the underlining reason behind why I have it, so I will be tested more. There are so many unanswered questions, so many emotions, as well as the unknown.

At the moment I’m just trying to get my head around the diagnosis. My days are hard as I’m scared to touch my head, I don’t like the feeling and every day it’s growing. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now just getting through each and every day is the best I can do.

Hope you enjoyed, and if you have CVG I would love to hear from you.

Made To Feel Like Crap.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

This week was a hard week with being admitted to hospital for a couple of days being away from my family has brought my mood right down. The hospital experience was terrible and not having my family with me made it even worse.

I was admitted due to my GP getting worried over more issues arising from what she thought maybe my head she urgently rushed me to hospital. Once there I became the talk of the hospital (which I will explain in another blog). Specialist and doctors from everywhere were trying to work out what was wrong.

Unfortunately, I didn’t meet with very many nice ones, I am not the smallest person and do has some weight and struggle a lot with my weight, but I don’t need to be reminded of it every time doctors can’t find a reason from my issues.

While in there one of the doctors said straight to my face “you know maybe if you didn’t have the weight you wouldn’t have half the problems you have!”, I got these issues while I was small, not fat by the way, and do you really have to blame my weight for all my problems seriously. Most of the specialist and doctors were like that, it was heartbreaking coping with all that.

Also, they wouldn’t allow my family in, it was like I was a germ or something. No matter how many times I asked them if my family could come in they kept saying, “not now just hold off for the time being”. It was so hard mentally being there alone having all these strangers around. I just locked myself in my cubicle and stayed on my phone to my husband the whole time.

Now I’m home I’m worse mentally, I cry all the time, I feel sad and alone. It’s going to take me a lot to get over this, but I will get there in the end.

Stop Walking Away.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I spent years trying to get better with no prevail, I lose hope in ever finding a way to get better when Doctors and Specialist throw their hands up and walk away when things get too hard.

I have spent the last 6 years trying to get answers to my condition with no luck. I just get Specialists using me as a guinea pig, trial medication after trial medication, then it’s “sorry we have no curer.” Well OK then, umm thanks. It’s not nice to be made to feel like that, you just want answers to why you are sick.

Yesterday I took a huge blow with my pain specialist even stepping back and saying she could no longer help. That hit me for a sixer, she also stated physio would be of no help either, so she cancelled all my physio appointments. The one person I didn’t see turning their back on me just did.

When you spend years working with someone you don’t expect them to just give up knowing what you have been through. It makes you feel like giving up too. When things get too hard for people they just walk, I wish it was that easy for me. Instead of walking away maybe they should put themselves in my shoes for one day.

The fight will continue, just hope one day I will find the answers I am looking for.

My Day.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Today I thought I might share what I do when I’m at home. Most people I talk to just assume I sit around all day doing nothing, so I thought I would give an insight into what I do.

Every day is different, apart from taking my children to school and picking them up. Yes, I take my children to school every day, I never miss a day. I usually get started with the morning coffee, blog, and catch up on other blog posts.

I will put on a load of washing if the machine is full. Stack the dishwasher, clean up from breakfast. I’m not keen on a dirty house.

I love to do arts and crafts, so I can get stuck into this most days to keep me busy. I like to make keyrings and phone cases from resin. (Keyrings I have made pictured below)

I also love to draw which is something I do when I can’t manage to get up, and my migraines aren’t so bad. I do miss doing this activity as my migraines do stop me from doing this one.

I don’t like to sit around doing nothing, I try to keep as busy as possible. I try to keep my mind active and my body moving as much as possible. I only do as I can and when I can. It’s important to keep your body moving.

Hope you enjoyed reading.

LIEBSTER AWARD TAKE 1

liebster-award

THE RULES:

  1. Say ‘Thank you’ to the Blogger who nominated you.
  2. Share 11 facts about yourself.
  3. Answer the questions the blogger asked you.
  4. Nominate 11 lucky bloggers and make them happy.
  5. Ask 11 questions to your nominees.
  6. Notify your 11 nominees.

Thank you so much Wifeblah

I would like to say a big Thank you to Wifeblah for nominating me I appreciate it so much. You are one kind and caring person, you are a big part of my blog and I really appreciate all your input it means a lot. It means so much to be recognized for what we do it makes all the hard work worth it. Thank you again.

Facts About Me:

  1. I live in Australia.
  2. I love to draw.
  3. I use to play the cello and bass guitar.
  4. My favourite colour is blue.
  5. I have 2 dogs.
  6. I love making key rings.
  7. I use to work as a security officer.
  8. I performed in Cats the musical when I was younger.
  9. I was a dancer.
  10. I use to sing in a choir.
  11. I don’t like eating two-minute noodles.

Wifeblah’s Questions:

  1. Roller Coaster or Bungee Jumping? Roller Coaster
  2. Online Shopping or Going to the Mall? Online Shopping
  3. Driving or Commute? Driving
  4. Heart or brain? Heart
  5. A Warm shower or Foot Massage? Warm Shower
  6. Kiss or Hug? Hug
  7. Text or Call? Text
  8. Flats or Heels? (women) / Sneakers or Leather Shoes (Men) Flats
  9. Sand or Grass? Sand
  10. White or Black? Black

My Nominees:

I would love to nominate all of my followers as I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without all of you guys.

My Questions For My Nominees:

  1. Where do you live?
  2. Did/Do you play any instruments?
  3. What’s your favourite colour?
  4. What’s your favourite food?
  5. What’s your favourite thing to do?
  6. Movies/beach?
  7. Morning/Afternoon?
  8. Did/Do you play a sport?
  9. Dance/sing?
  10. Do you have any pets?
  11. Favourite play to be?