The Endless Fight With Depression

Depression can be a viscous circle. You work so hard to keep your head out of the deep dark hole, to keep those demons at bay. Yet it takes one thing to trigger our thoughts and emotions.

You learn over time how to not let everything get to you or at least trigger your emotions off, but there become points in time where there are an overwhelming amount of different things happening all at once.

When these times happen it sends us into this painful spiral of emotions that you can’t control. You become so numb to the world, because the emotions are so overwhelming.

You can’t concentrate, you can’t think, you don’t know how to feel. You have these thoughts in your head of what the point of fighting is.

You know that it’s all because things have become too much to take in, but the constant fights become harder and harder even though you know how to fight.

It’s not easy fighting the endless battle, but this is the life of depression.

Oh, The Pain.

Last night was one of those nights when you can’t sleep because you’re in such excruciating pain that no matter which way you lay you can’t get comfortable.

It’s been really frustrating since losing my pain specialist and physiotherapist. The pain is getting unbearable. It makes me feel nauseous all the time.

I’m currently waiting to see new specialists to get more investigations done to find out what’s going on, but waiting for these specialists is like waiting for washing to dry in winter. In the meanwhile, I just have to suck up the pain and keep moving forward.

Hopefully, soon enough I will get some answers and help.

Stop Walking Away.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I spent years trying to get better with no prevail, I lose hope in ever finding a way to get better when Doctors and Specialist throw their hands up and walk away when things get too hard.

I have spent the last 6 years trying to get answers to my condition with no luck. I just get Specialists using me as a guinea pig, trial medication after trial medication, then it’s “sorry we have no curer.” Well OK then, umm thanks. It’s not nice to be made to feel like that, you just want answers to why you are sick.

Yesterday I took a huge blow with my pain specialist even stepping back and saying she could no longer help. That hit me for a sixer, she also stated physio would be of no help either, so she cancelled all my physio appointments. The one person I didn’t see turning their back on me just did.

When you spend years working with someone you don’t expect them to just give up knowing what you have been through. It makes you feel like giving up too. When things get too hard for people they just walk, I wish it was that easy for me. Instead of walking away maybe they should put themselves in my shoes for one day.

The fight will continue, just hope one day I will find the answers I am looking for.

Thinking of Medication.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I remember back to when I first thought about taking medication, I was so frustrated with the thought of living on medication for the rest of my life. I know back then I didn’t want to rely on medication to keep me going, but now after living on medication, I don’t know how I ever lived without it.

When changing from medication to new medication its when I see what it does for me and how it works. It can be quite frustrating when your medication doesn’t work anymore, as your body either gets used to the medication or your condition changes.

When I think about it I am so grateful that I don’t have to endure feeling the way I do so excessively because there is such a thing out there like medication to help dull the feelings.

If you’re ever contemplating taking medication. think about how you would benefit in the long run, you don’t need to suffer.