The Untold Secrets Behind An Abuse Survivor

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This blog I wanted to share how being an abuse survivor has changed my life, in ways many people wouldn’t think. There are daily life activities that can’t be done due to a trigger/Flashback.

To exclude triggers/flashbacks in my life I have needed to change the way I live my life. These are secrets I hold close to my heart, but it’s the reality of what the rape and abuse have caused.

These triggers can be having a shower, I need to have the door open as I get scared of the unknown, meaning I need to know if anyone is outside the door, I also can’t shower with a shower curtain as I feel like I’m being grabbed.

I leave the door of the toilet open because I freak out in the small room. I can’t be scared, I need to know where everyone is in the house. I can’t be touched from behind.

I also struggle with clothing, any tight-fitting clothing, hoodies are my worst enemy as they bring back my biggest triggers, the feeling of someone who has their hand around my throat, just as it did on one of the occasions.

I don’t sleep in anything but undies and singlet as I wake up feeling like someone’s grabbing me. My husband can’t even hold me in bed.

My life changed drastically when I went through all of this, but I’m a survivor I’m here and I’m telling my story. Yes, I had to change my life to not include things, but its better than remembering the bad.

We don’t have to let it shape us into what we don’t want to be, don’t let them win.

The Story Behind The Birthday.

I wanted to write this blog to explain a little further on the blog I had written yesterday and the reasoning behind why I didn’t want a birthday after this day.

This day was the one I feel was the day my parents in particularly my mother, gave up on me and this is why this one stands out. What I mean by this is, by her giving me what she did it felt like an end.

Not long after this day I was kicked out of home and spent the next 20 years fighting to get her to be a mother. Someone who is there when you need them, someone who listens to you, someone who just loves you.

Finally, in the end, I couldn’t handle the effects it was causing not only me but my children. I left the ball in her court only to have it thrown in my face and told to not contact her until I grow the hell up(putting it nicely). I spent my life trying to fit in, trying to be who she wanted me to be, who was never going to be good enough.

This birthday was one year ago she told me to not return, so it’s still so raw, but I feel like that day was my sixteenth birthday when she brought me everything to leave.

No matter how much you try to move forward after an event like this every child pines for a mother and it hurts a lot especially with occasions like these, but we have to keep moving forward.

Just remember to treasure your loved ones.

Please Skip My Birthday.

Over the weekend it was my birthday, I am one that doesn’t like to celebrate my birthday as it’s a day that I find hard.

Ever since I was sixteen I hated birthdays, why you may ask, well, this day was one I was made to feel not wanted nor loved.

I have never been ungrateful for what I have received but this day I wanted to give everything back.

My birthday gifts consisted of household gifts this included:

  • Towels
  • Dinner ware
  • Pots and pans
  • Knife and Forks
  • Glassware
  • Coffee cups

Everything you needed to move out of home I was devastated. I was a sixteen-year-old girl who already felt unloved who now feels this is their way of saying I was old enough to move out. Ever since that day I have never wanted a birthday again.

I Can’t Stop My Struggles, It’s Just Me.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

Over the last week mentally I have been struggling, not only with my new diagnosis but just in general. Between going to doctors appointments and life, I have just hit a brick wall. When I get this point in my life I hit struggle street, what do I mean by struggle you ask.

Well, when I talk about a struggle, I talk about tasks. These tasks are near impossible to do, without a struggle. I fight my inner demons to do the simplest of tasks. if I don’t complete these tasks my inner demon becomes worse and I feel like it’s defeated me.

I still don’t understand why these tasks are so hard to accomplish when I’m in my hour of need. Why my mind feels the need to make me feel even worse than I already do, but it’s just the way the mind works.

I thought I would share some of my impossible tasks with you all so here we go:

  • brushing my teeth
  • showering
  • brushing my hair
  • eating
  • cleaning
  • answering the phone
  • getting out of bed
  • getting dressed
  • talking

Tasks like these are everyday tasks, but for someone like me when I’m at my lowest become the hardest tasks of my life. No matter how much you know you need to do it it’s just not possible to do. Unfortunately, this is part of my illness, but I wanted to share my struggle.

My Rare Condition.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

This is one blog that is hard for me to share as it is new and I’m trying to wrap my head around the diagnoses still, but this is my life. If you are a follower of my blog you would know I was admitted to hospital last week, as my GP was fearing the worse. Now to explain the fear that lead to the hospital that gave me my diagnosis.

It started with me going to the GP due to my head. I have been experiencing a lot of different issues which they believe are all connected to my head, but what’s caused all the issues they can’t explain. Then I experienced the worse issues I could have ever imagined, and that is indents in my scalp.

It honestly feels like my scalp is caving in on its self. My GP had no idea what was going on as I never had this before, so she rushed me to the hospital, The Doctors there had never seen it before. They ran bloods, did CT scans, 30-minute obs, every Specialist got called in the hospital till they got a Specialist who knew what it was.

The Diagnosis is Cutis Verticis Gyrata (CVG for short) it is where the scalp thickens and deep folds begin to form in the scalp it is described to look like a form of the brain. it happens in 0.026 in 100,00 of woman, and 1 in 100,000 men.

They are unsure of the underlining reason behind why I have it, so I will be tested more. There are so many unanswered questions, so many emotions, as well as the unknown.

At the moment I’m just trying to get my head around the diagnosis. My days are hard as I’m scared to touch my head, I don’t like the feeling and every day it’s growing. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now just getting through each and every day is the best I can do.

Hope you enjoyed, and if you have CVG I would love to hear from you.

Made To Feel Like Crap.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

This week was a hard week with being admitted to hospital for a couple of days being away from my family has brought my mood right down. The hospital experience was terrible and not having my family with me made it even worse.

I was admitted due to my GP getting worried over more issues arising from what she thought maybe my head she urgently rushed me to hospital. Once there I became the talk of the hospital (which I will explain in another blog). Specialist and doctors from everywhere were trying to work out what was wrong.

Unfortunately, I didn’t meet with very many nice ones, I am not the smallest person and do has some weight and struggle a lot with my weight, but I don’t need to be reminded of it every time doctors can’t find a reason from my issues.

While in there one of the doctors said straight to my face “you know maybe if you didn’t have the weight you wouldn’t have half the problems you have!”, I got these issues while I was small, not fat by the way, and do you really have to blame my weight for all my problems seriously. Most of the specialist and doctors were like that, it was heartbreaking coping with all that.

Also, they wouldn’t allow my family in, it was like I was a germ or something. No matter how many times I asked them if my family could come in they kept saying, “not now just hold off for the time being”. It was so hard mentally being there alone having all these strangers around. I just locked myself in my cubicle and stayed on my phone to my husband the whole time.

Now I’m home I’m worse mentally, I cry all the time, I feel sad and alone. It’s going to take me a lot to get over this, but I will get there in the end.

I’m Back

Hope everyone is doing OK.

It feels like forever since I wrote last, so I wanted to give you all an insight into the last week.

Firstly I would like to apologise to you all, as I was trying to work on my site and lost everything. I finally manage to get it recovered after help from my wonderful husband, helping by talking to the host site to get it finally fixed.

While getting my site fixed my health plummeted to the point I spent a couple of days in the hospital. I’m still not feeling the best with now getting a cold on top, but I will get there.

Life has taken an unexpected turn that I’m trying to get my head around, a new diagnosis, more tests. A whole new chapter to learn. One I will share with you all.

For now, I wanted to catch up and let you know I’m sorry and I’m back.

Stop Walking Away.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I spent years trying to get better with no prevail, I lose hope in ever finding a way to get better when Doctors and Specialist throw their hands up and walk away when things get too hard.

I have spent the last 6 years trying to get answers to my condition with no luck. I just get Specialists using me as a guinea pig, trial medication after trial medication, then it’s “sorry we have no curer.” Well OK then, umm thanks. It’s not nice to be made to feel like that, you just want answers to why you are sick.

Yesterday I took a huge blow with my pain specialist even stepping back and saying she could no longer help. That hit me for a sixer, she also stated physio would be of no help either, so she cancelled all my physio appointments. The one person I didn’t see turning their back on me just did.

When you spend years working with someone you don’t expect them to just give up knowing what you have been through. It makes you feel like giving up too. When things get too hard for people they just walk, I wish it was that easy for me. Instead of walking away maybe they should put themselves in my shoes for one day.

The fight will continue, just hope one day I will find the answers I am looking for.

My Day.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Today I thought I might share what I do when I’m at home. Most people I talk to just assume I sit around all day doing nothing, so I thought I would give an insight into what I do.

Every day is different, apart from taking my children to school and picking them up. Yes, I take my children to school every day, I never miss a day. I usually get started with the morning coffee, blog, and catch up on other blog posts.

I will put on a load of washing if the machine is full. Stack the dishwasher, clean up from breakfast. I’m not keen on a dirty house.

I love to do arts and crafts, so I can get stuck into this most days to keep me busy. I like to make keyrings and phone cases from resin. (Keyrings I have made pictured below)

I also love to draw which is something I do when I can’t manage to get up, and my migraines aren’t so bad. I do miss doing this activity as my migraines do stop me from doing this one.

I don’t like to sit around doing nothing, I try to keep as busy as possible. I try to keep my mind active and my body moving as much as possible. I only do as I can and when I can. It’s important to keep your body moving.

Hope you enjoyed reading.

I shouldn’t Apologise For Having a MHC.

One thing I have understood over time is that having a Mental Health Condition has taught me, is that people expect you to apologize for your behaviour. What I mean by this is that if you don’t act a certain way you feel you are obligated to apologize for your so-called behaviour.

When I say this I talk about the way we talk or our body language. I always get questions like “are you OK?” if I’m not smiling, or “what’s wrong?” if I’m not up to talking. Honestly, there may not be anything wrong it could be just tired or I don’t know what to talk about.

Sometimes conversations are hard for me to have because I can’t express how I feel, so I can come across quite blunt. People then take me the wrong way. I feel like I have to be someone I’m not to make people happy.

Yes, I have a Mental Health condition, but that shouldn’t make people dictate who I have to be. If I don’t look a certain way it doesn’t mean I’m depressed. If I don’t talk to you and I only answer with one word it doesn’t mean I’m angry or having a bad day, it could be I’m shy and I’m not sure what to say.

Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t mean they need to be criticised for having the wrong emotions, we are just as human as the next.